Jokes!

[hiyasucka]

heaven is where u are surrounded by beautiful women and kegs of booze


hell is where u find out that the kegs have holes and the women don't




i saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "vote democrat...it's easier than working"



what did helen kellers parents do to punish her?



rearrange the furniture



what did helen keller do when she fell into a well?




scream her hands off

[british_bmx2005]

Texan Poetry

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
.
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
.
“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
.
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
.
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

[british_bmx2005]

Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):


[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____

Do you have a gun rack?


[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:


[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:


[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

[Sera13]

how many babies does it take to paint a wall??



Dependse on how hard you throw them





How can you fit 4 gay guys on a bar stool?



turn it upside down...


VV::dont read if your offended by black jokes::VV
did you hear about KKKneivel?

he tried to jump 40 black men with a steam roller.

[ToshX]

I'm black and I'm note offended by that joke. It's hard to bother me over the internet and the joke didn't even contain the word ******(in bad context).
---
Good one British, that seems like something that would come out of Jewpin. Thus, you copied and pasted.

[Sera13]

I'm black and I'm note offended by that joke. It's hard to bother me over the internet and the joke didn't even contain the word N*#$#(in bad context).
---

I dont not, and will not use that word ever. so yeah, no need to worry about that, i have several million racist jokes that are funny, but ment no harm, hell i have jokes about white people and rednecks too, and im from fucking TN, so like.. i dont mean to offend anyone.

[british_bmx2005]

How can you fit 4 gay guys on a bar stool?

turn it upside down...

Somebody already listed that one.

Good one British, that seems like something that would come out of Jewpin. Thus, you copied and pasted.

I bet cha I'm not the only one doing it.

[ToshX]

Half of the people are copying and pasting from the only joke websites they know so that's what happens.

[plasmix]

What do you call a farting jacket?

A windbreaker.



I actually made that one up.

[british_bmx2005]

the only joke website

Jokes.com is the one I go to.

[dan_da_ddr_man]

Here's one:

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read:
"Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby
PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing."

[british_bmx2005]

10 Reasons to Date a Hockey Player

1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9.They know when to play rough
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.

[blargherness]

The Preacher's Son
I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession.
Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.
If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.
He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

[vashthestampede0987]

Ok, if we're doing racial jokes,
[1]What do you call a black priest?
[2]Why should you never throw a rock at a black man's car?
[3]Why are all black people fast?
[4]Why should you go to a black man's garage sale?
[5]What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill?













[1]Holy shit
[2]It might be yours.
[3]They're always running from the cops.
[4]To buy your shit back.
[5]landslide

[british_bmx2005]

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands


IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”

_____________________________________________________________

Yo mama''s so nasty, I came over and asked what''s for dinner and she opened her legs and said "TUNA SUPRISE!"