Jokes!

[QreepyBORIS]

I liked the first one, and the one about Kissinger.

My favorite is:

I have a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it.
Okay. Knock knock?
Who's there?
....

[Eyoshi]

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
A: Ha, ha! You thought there was a difference!

Q: How many pop stars does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That is not an answerable question. None of them know how to change a lightbulb.

Ha...never mind. Sorry. I'll go away.

[birtybirty27]

That last joke was so stupid. Heres a stupid joke from me.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual., "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[vashthestampede0987]

Mary has a hard time paying attention during class and she
falls asleep.
The teacher goes, "Mary, who is the mother of Jesus?"
Billy, who sits behind her, comes to save the day and
takes a pin and pokes her in the back.
Mary shoots up and says, "HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD!"
"Very good Mary" the teacher replies.
So Mary falls asleep again and the teacher asks her, "Mary,
who is our lord and savior?"
Billy again comes to save the day and pokes her in the back
so she says, "JESUS CHRIST!"
So Mary falls asleep for the third time and the teacher asks her,
"Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing their 27th child?"
Again Billy comes to the day so Mary says, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING
IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So this kid has a hearing problem, and his dad asks him to get a bucket from the hardware store,
a cockerspaniel from the pet shop for his mother, and whatever he wants with the left over money.

So when the kid goes to the hardware store he goes up to the clerk and asks,
"Can I have a fucket?"
So the clerk looks puzzled and says "A what?!!?"
"A fucket?"
And the clerk says "Oh you mean a bucket."
So he buys the bucket and he's on his way to the pet shop.
The kid goes to the clerk and asks, "Do you have a Cock-n-spank-it?"
So this clerk is also puzzled and goes "A what?!?!!?"
"A Cock-n-spank-it"
"Oh you mean a cockerspaniel," replies the clerk.
Now with the left over money he walks over to the candy shop(Har har har)
He asks the clerk, "Do you have some bum?"
So, like the other two clerks he asks, "Some what?!!?!?!"
"Some bum?"
"Oh you mean gum."
So he's on his way home with the bucket, the cockerspaniel and the gum, but the
cockerspaniel runs away. So he goes up to some random guy on the street and goes
"Will you hold the "bum" and "fuck-et" while I get the "cock-n-spank-it?"

[british_bmx2005]

Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

[xiron]

Why couldn't Morpheus eat his yogurt?



Because there is no spoon!

[Sera13]

why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side

Why did the redneck cross the road?

becuase his dick was stuck in the chicken

[QreepyBORIS]

Why couldn't Morpheus eat his yogurt?



Because there is no spoon!

Oh, god....XD

[british_bmx2005]

Do you know what Tulsa is spelled backwards? 'A slut.'

Do you know what 'a slut' is spelled backwards? A '$100.'

[nickadeemus]

[vashthestampede0987]

Oh whats red, silver, and runs into walls?














A baby with forks in its eyes.

[Sugar_Baby]

Mongolian Disease

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!" The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself. You save money"

[purplepopcorn]

here's a lockpick, it might be useful for you, the master of unlocking. Take it with you..

your mother is so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.

ddi yuo konw taht yrou mnid rdeas wrods sa a wohle so as lnog as teh spelilng is acucrtae sutff lkie tihs is radeable to smoe exetnt.

wanna here a joke?







country music.

[vashthestampede0987]

your mother is so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.

That's actually possible. GG.

[Spazzbite]

Yeah, if you trip over the phone itself, you don't seem so stupid after all.

Borrowed this from MM989:

How did Helen Keller break her arms?
Trying to read speed signs going 60mph.