Im writting a book...

[vashthestampede0987]

You seem to know about the concept of editing your posts, but, seriously, man, what's, with, the, double, post,?

[ToshX]

You suck at commas; I guess you do have a monthly period.

[Moogy]

lmao, this is the worst thing I've ever read, seriously. And I've had to proofread papers from standard English students. My suggestion: Wait until you graduate from high school, then try writing something.

Alternately, just kill yourself. <3

[MalReynolds]

Hey, hey, hey now. All the stuff I posted was from High-school. Like eh... Junior to senior. Everyone's being a mite harsh on you, but uh... Yeah, for the most part, they're right. Except for the kill yourself part. Don't do that.

Mal

[earth_lord]

You know what this was a huge fucking mistake screw you guys

GEESH

[VxDx]

the mistake you made was thinking you could actually write.

[OniSpltter]

You asked for honest feedback and thats what you got... You did get it in a rather rude way but got it none the less. Sorry but if you like your writing continue on, you never know who else might like it. My feedback would also be negative and I have a feeling you dont like negative feedback too much so I'll keep my detailed opinions to myself. If you werent ready for criticism (however you spell that haha) you shouldn't have posted.

~O.S.~

[psychic25]

Dude. Calm down.

The main thing people don't like is your grammar. Yes, I have a problem with it too, but if you like, I'll help you proofread it.

The world and concept is a great idea. I encourage you to keep with the story but PLEASE, PLEASE use proper grammar and spelling. It really does detract from the overall reading experience.

PM me if you'd like me to edit for purely linguistic errors.

And geez, you guys need to stop being so hard on him, unless you're actually going to DO something to help him. What, no constructive criticism here?

[vashthestampede0987]

the mistake you made was thinking you could actually write.

Wow, for once I agree with him.

@Psy: Dude, there's nothing to construct upon.

[MalReynolds]

My main complaint is the total lack of rythm. It doesn't flow well at all and the sentences seem to be half thought out, angular and full of contradictions. Interesting world, yes... But, did I care about the riot? Why are there so many president Lincolns? And, instead of justifying every new idea by going (Hey, this explains it), why not take out a section for a new paragraph that would explain something instead of cloud it up?

Most of your edits have made the story more confusing than lucid. Yes, your grammar is a problem, but the story has nothing to keep me interested. The mystery you tried to throw in was better than the hackneyed, "Hey, I just won in the first six pages," but I didn't really care who the two guys were. You don't give enough detail to your charachters. I don't know where you're going to go with it, but I don't like the fact that the hero is so juvenile. Or the fact that he has a talking android cat with a positronic brain. Why not just give him a little sister? Make the role of women in the future far inferior, making her do taxes and making dinner. Required courses at school. Boys and girls attend different schools or something? Girls go to prep school while boys go to a more knowledge based institution? Maybe I'm just giving it too much thought, or you're not giving it enough.

And "Did I mention may name is..." is so damned overused.

Did I mention my name is

Mal?

[psychic25]

Well, nobody's actually trying to help him out.

All he's getting flamed for is his grammar, which, frankly, is easily fixed. I'm willing to take the time to fix it for him (which automatically makes his story FAR better).

I don't see what the problem is with his story topic and ideas. Why not construct upon that?

EDIT: ^:P Well, I guess that's NOT what the complaint is.

[YungYung]

You guys are being a tad bit harsh. There's no need to insult his intelligence just because he has a few (err...more than that I guess) grammatical errors.

However, earth_lord what I noticed through the entire thread was that you were only replying to the good comments you were getting (that were mostly from forum n00bs). You're making it seem like you're actually serious about writing a book. Well guess what, serious writers don't get praise 24/7. Mal probably has the best opinion out of all the people who have posted in here, and yet you've ignored next to everything he's said.

Anyways, I didn't bother reading your first post, only the last post where you said you had 'editted' the chapter. Even then, I noticed a ton of grammar errors, mostly with comas. I speak english as a second language, and my english is probably better than yours. That or you're just not paying enough attention to your writing. fiiiiiiiiiiix it kk?

[Brainmaster07]

The whole grammar thing has been beaten on enough, so I won't comment on that. I'd just like to say that if you want to improve, you have to listen, and respond to criticism. If you can't listen when someone is saying your story lacks, then all you have to work with is 'That's great!' and 'Nice!'. How do you expect to get better when you won't listen to how to get better, and will only accept praises about how the story good enough? Yeah, some of the feedback was harsh, but so what? Try to see past the harsh wording to what they're really saying, and use that critism to improve your writing. I agree with everything Mal has said, listen and learn from him.

[earth_lord]

I am sorry for the inconveinience

and yet I agree with MAL

[Snapps]

are you 12?

I was gonna say earlier, I thought earth_lord was uua.

No i am not 12. so leave me the hell alone!

Last time I checked you where. You edited your post to 13, i'm sure you remember what I am talking about clearly.

Did I mention my name is Arnold Minnos? I myself am in high school and a dedicated gamer to boot. I am 15 and in the 9th grade. My parents are rich, but always busy so I stay most my time home playing video games, or watching VHS, (Virtual Holographic System) which is basically a circular television and you can look from nearly every point of view. I am a stuborn kid when it comes down to it, and im really skinny. I have brown hair and brown eyes and I wear contacts.

If this is a real story, things don't just come together like that. It would take a good one to two pages to describe a person with good detail. Things like this don't happen in one sentence.