Im writting a book...

[VxDx]

it fucking sucks

[BluE_MeaniE]

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Oh, it must have been while you were kissing me.

[TheAppleEater]

I think its a good story... but i noticed a few things that should have been thought out a little more... You kept saying it is a very advanced time 3000 years in the future and tons of things have been invented... but hes watching an old tv wearing contacts? it seems in 3000 years, at the rate that television is going now, we would have something much more adnvanced than just the old box. Like a in fahrenheit 451 the wife was a part of a "family" that was actually an interactive tv that took up an entire wall of the room, and then later on she upgraded to all four walls. And contacts? We are already getting into the age of contacts... I think something better well be around in 3000 years. Like permanent contacts or even do it yourself laser surgery that you can pick up at the dollar store.

Oh and also about the currency... I dont know if in your story the world unites to save the planet but would they still be using american currency? and if they were, 50 years ago it cost like 10 cents to go to the movies and now it costs 10 bucks...

But anyway i dont mean to sound mean, its a fantastic story so far and i cant wait to read more... but my advice wouldnt be to worry about spelling, grammar and punctuation... you can have some one edit it later... My advice to think about every detail that you put into the story and make sure every thing fits... so no one can say "well if this is like this, then..."

Keep writing!
Logan

[earth_lord]

I think its a good story... but i noticed a few things that should have been thought out a little more... You kept saying it is a very advanced time 3000 years in the future and tons of things have been invented... but hes watching an old tv wearing contacts? it seems in 3000 years, at the rate that television is going now, we would have something much more adnvanced than just the old box. Like a in fahrenheit 451 the wife was a part of a "family" that was actually an interactive tv that took up an entire wall of the room, and then later on she upgraded to all four walls. And contacts? We are already getting into the age of contacts... I think something better well be around in 3000 years. Like permanent contacts or even do it yourself laser surgery that you can pick up at the dollar store.

Oh and also about the currency... I dont know if in your story the world unites to save the planet but would they still be using american currency? and if they were, 50 years ago it cost like 10 cents to go to the movies and now it costs 10 bucks...

But anyway i dont mean to sound mean, its a fantastic story so far and i cant wait to read more... but my advice wouldnt be to worry about spelling, grammar and punctuation... you can have some one edit it later... My advice to think about every detail that you put into the story and make sure every thing fits... so no one can say "well if this is like this, then..."

Keep writing!
Logan

Im taking what you say into consideration and will change alot of things

[earth_lord]

Heres a revised version of chapter 1 tell me what you think



Chapter 1

September 18, 5705, a new era of technology was founded, AV Prolect 2. True virtual reality. In the engineering labs on the New York ship fleet NO. 3, people were rejoicing. Scientists and program engineers had completed what none have done before. The next few days would be busy for everybody, because in that same hour it was announced that 11 beta testers, would be allowed into the game. To choose these players would be a very bad decision, so they decided to have post-cards mailed in, and to then draw eleven names.

After hearing this on the news I got, up and scratched my back. It was 9:00 in the morning and the news would repeat constantly. “Today, the 4th winner was chosen, Don Richards, a college student, was surprised to hear about his winnings”. I turned my head in disgust.

I sent 5 post-cards, just some realy cheap, 30 cent piece-of-trash of a card, with all things needed. I really wanted in bad.

Speaking of money, in the year of 5689, a mass riot was produced, money was becoming so useless, rocket fuel (The gasoline that was currently being used in those times, but now we use a form of orange matter energy) became so very costly, many burned a substantial amount of money, so president Lincoln the 5th ordered that money creation would cease thus money had once again had worth from 2700 years ago;

Then I turned around only to have my cat look at me funny and say “Don’t resent the lucky.” yes that’s right, my cat talked. A lot of technology was created in the years, including an artifical brain. One that has the mind of a 13 year old, with this, my cat can cook, clean, do my bills, you know, the works. Yet it is still pretty earie to have a sophisticated conversation with my cat, though I’ve got to mention, he makes the best burgers I have ever had. My cat is a black cat, in which for the hell of it, I named lucky. He has a weired a personality, but hes a cat so that’s not much of a surprise. “I know lucky, its just that I really want in you know? I said

Did I mention my name is Arnold Minnos? I myself am in high school and a dedicated gamer to boot. I am 15 and in the 9th grade. My parents are rich, but always busy so I stay most my time home playing video games, or watching VHS, (Virtual Holographic System) which is basically a circular television and you can look from nearly every point of view. I am a stuborn kid when it comes down to it, and im really skinny. I have brown hair and brown eyes and I wear contacts. Contacts have truly evolved, more like a new way of seeing things. Most Contacts come with a button that sticks mainly to skin, in which pushed, changes the focal point of your eyes even reducing or enhancing the size of your pupil. Some even come with night and heat vision.

“I know,” said Lucky “but you must be patient, your time will come.” (Oh great now my cats a prophet) “Whatever” I said and got back to my precious Holosys, when a new headline appeared, talking about the fifth winner, and would you know, they called my friend Mike.

[JurseyRider734]

A lot of your punctuation and grammar is off, I'd have someone who's good at that stuff go through it and fix/revise things. I didn't even read it(sorry), but I skimmed it very, VERY briefly and found 3 mistakes with that kind of stuff already.

[earth_lord]

Dude your story is like freaken awesome, if you got it published i would surely buy it.

I thank you for your comment but dont count your chickens before they hatch

in other words wait until your read the whole thing im writing then make your most awesome opinion

[TheAppleEater]

I think its getting good! But i dont think that should be the end of chapter 1... i do think it should be alot longer... but i dont know where you are going with it... so just keep going and hopefully it turns out good!

Logan

[MalReynolds]

That revision was retarded. President Lincoln the 26th? What?

Mal

PS: No offense.
PPS: Yeah, offense a little.

[earth_lord]

Once again im taking what you say into consideration and extending chapter 1


Chapter 1 CONT

I was astounded from what I heard. My friend, a beta tester. I was anger and disappointment rolled into one ball. I was resenting my friend, something I thought I would never do. The next day came really fast. It was Sunday, time for school (The current president started school on Sundays for a higher “education“) I took the local star-bus. I went to school only to find a crowd gather around this one kid who just walked in from space port 6. It was Michael. All I could hear was “congratulations“, and “awesome dude“, I went to congratulate him, when two large people walked toward him, one holding a card , each wearing black and blue clothes. One of the men were white what the other was black. The children surounding him, immediately backed away as the two people approached, one knelt down and whispered something in his ear, which he then game him his card. Mikes face went pale, he shook his head, what looked like in dismay.

He took the card and quickly stuffed it into his pocket. He then walked away from the growing crowd now walking toward him. After school, Lucky was sitting on a stool in front of the VHS while listening on the news. “Did you hear?” said Lucky “what” I said “About two suspects seen on the run, apparently wearing black and blue, one white one black.” “hmm?” I looked up and watched the Holosys. It showed very accurate sketches of the two men over at the school.

[earth_lord]

That revision was retarded. President Lincoln the 26th? What?

I know the number is a little high ill lower it

[VxDx]

are you serious with this? because this is honestly the worst thing I've ever read. are you 12? before you write a book, you might want to learn some grammar, and then some style, and how to write in general.

[FishFishRevolution]

are you 12?

I was gonna say earlier, I thought earth_lord was uua.

[earth_lord]

I see your are flaming me for my book, hmph.

I try my best. leave me alone about it, i will not reveal my age because it would only make a mocery of me due to your post

I SAY GOOD DAY SIR!

[earth_lord]

are you 12?

I was gonna say earlier, I thought earth_lord was uua.

No i am not 12. so leave me the hell alone!