Tell me your life story.

[PriestREA]

Re: Tell me your life story.

you should sell your adderall to uni peeps since you're diagnosed with ADHD
way less dangerous than ur friends dealing crack heroin an weed, and brings in as much money

A lot of people told me to do that, and I heard they sell for $20 a pill. Since I moved out I left those "friends" that sold that kind of shit, not the kind of people I think I should be around anymore. Had an experience where I was jumped by a guy and it was pretty cray, think he had a knife so it could've went sour - don't sell drugs kids

[mi40]

Re: Tell me your life story.

well when you're selling weed and heroin i guess peeps can jump you

adderall is for the peeps who need to get an A and spend days in the library

teehee
all the business/econ majors over here like to deny the existence of adderall while asking mom n dad for $ for pills

[DossarLX ODI]

Re: Tell me your life story.

Honestly I can't remember that much from back when I was a little kid, but I can say I was massively fucked up before I actually got involved in FFR.

All I remember from my childhood are fragments of continuous parental abuse. These are a few examples from a text file I wrote around a month back:

That incident in elementary school where my bitch teacher called home and kicked me out of a book club even when I apologized for saying that a book sucked and right as I entered home my dad came running at me with a spoon and spanking my ass, feeling powerful and loving spanking his son to see him cry in misery, not interested in listening to anything he has to say. He's just an idiot, right?

I also haven't forgotten that incident where he chucked a toothbrush at my skull constantly because I didn't want to see what he wanted to say about brushing my teeth (keep in mind I was in my single digit years when this happened and I was traumatized after that elementary school incident) for what felt like ten minutes.

The above two were my father, but my mother is also a witch. Any time she gets corrected, ESPECIALLY if I'm talking, she throws a 5-year old temper tantrum, yells, and sounds like a whorish witch. This happened way too frequently when I was a little kid. Even to this day my parents don't listen (fuck, my entire FAMILY doesn't listen).

But yeah, in elementary school I remember talking to my teacher about not having any friends. After, my classmates were like "we're your friends!" but that obviously didn't mean anything.

5th grade was when I started to actually do homework. For the first two weeks I continuously handed in assignments late, and after that point I started to make an effort to get everything in on time. It's a good thing I got rid of that bad habit early on. I think I got a detention for having so many late assignments, haha.

6th grade I got fed up with my parents always saying they knew what was best for me even though all they've done up to this point was yell at me and insult me. This was also when I got caught cheating on a test -- academics was basically my escape from my family's constant berating. I already had an A on the test, but I became so perfectionist that I wanted to cheat to get that 100% -- the situation got worse from here though.

The worst rage I had was when my middle brother said something that made me so mad (I forget what it was) that I took a knife from the kitchen, went back down to him, and had thoughts about killing him over it. But I decided to give it another chance; this is always a scary turning point for me to remember. If I had actually killed my brother, I probably would have winded up killing my father too (or even myself from shock), and have been put into an insane asylum. A lot of the rage was also collected from how fucking unfairly my parents treated me.

I'd like to take the focus off of that and go to my first experiences in rhythm gaming. I played DDR first some time back in the early 2000s; it was on a cruise ship and it was a 3rd mix machine. I couldn't pass difficulty 2 songs. In 2005 I was able to leave my last class in middle school early to play in the high school DDR club (my brothers took me there). This was also the time period where I went to a DDR tournament in another high school and I was a small 6th grader facing high school seniors haha. I wound up getting second place, getting a C on Max 300 Heavy while my opponent (who I remember was Greg, but that's it) got a B on Max 300 Heavy. My brothers got guitar hero when it first came out as well as DDR Extreme 2. 2005 was also when I first found FFR -- Captain Jack was released in 2005 briefly, so I was around FFR back early enough to witness some old history haha.

But going back to how psychologically fucked up I was from all the insults and constant hostile attitudes, I had thoughts of molesting women (this is not puberty stuff, this is blood and gore violence) and other grisly thoughts. I basically was always looking for revenge against my family and wanting to kill them. It was terrible. I look back to the comics I made way back as a little kid and they were very violent -- they just didn't have any blood drawn in them.

I wound up using double setup on my accounts BPM guy and RVL. There was still more cheating and trauma going on after my Molto Vivace thread on ffdfadsdasd. I discovered omgdidinsane in early 2008 somehow but I don't remember where I found it. I made an account "DossarLX" on there and since there was a lot of BS drama on my other accounts I decided to just make a new account and keep a low profile. For anyone wondering about the "ODI" part of my FFR username, this is where it came into play. I had my username as DossarLX ODI in an attempt to show I was DossarLX from ODI (omgdidinsane) and I basically didn't post much. I wanted the drama to die down a little bit while I also posted vibrating scores. My first pass on MIHC was back in may 2008; as I've stated many times 2008 was the vibrating age and I basically played a lot of vibrating files I had a lot of trouble passing in this time period. My first One Minutes Edit pass was some time in July 2008 before my 14th birthday. The outstanding achievement in 2008 was my Jackhammer Madness AAA achieved on December 2nd.

A lot of posts I made back in the 2008-2009 period sounded very hostile and erratic compared to how I post now. I got trolled a lot back then which didn't really help with how much anger I already had from being insulted from my family all the time. I had nobody else to talk to basically, so I just continued doing my own thing. 2010 was when I started being more social and knowing more members on FFR; my first chat with Byron was back in 2009 when we were making Rebound Vibrajacking Pack I believe.

Long story short, getting the vibrating passes and Jackhammer Madness 2008 made me have a better vision of my future. The responses I got in my Jackhammer Madness AAA thread were a colossal difference from what I was used to: being insulted constantly for all the previous years. I started to get to know more users on FFR and my best friends have come from FFR; I've pulled through many tough situations due to their help.

It really gets to me that there is no diplomacy in my family. My father's a grumpy old fuck, my mother sounds like a whore and a witch, there are always bad jokes about me that are just plain harassment, and I don't even consider my biological family a family anymore. Anything they like I basically don't like, and then it's a matter of interrupting and/or yelling during conversation rather than having genuine discussions. I couldn't even say that I wanted to talk to my father without being yelled at without him smashing a glass table, fuck -- he even said I was a GUEST, not his son. The negativity is impossible to reduce.

Every FFR meetup has infinitely been better than any other activity I've had with my biological family. My biological family at this point is just a hindrance.

[Arch0wl]

Re: Tell me your life story.

I couldn't even say that I wanted to talk to my father without being yelled at without him smashing a glass table, fuck -- he even said I was a GUEST, not his son. The negativity is impossible to reduce.

Holy shit.

[mi40]

Re: Tell me your life story.

My biological family at this point is just a hindrance.

dossar i think you're pretty bitter about this and it's understandable but you have to give it some thought

if you think your biological family is truly just a hindrance at this point, then you're thinking wrong

because even though you've suffered from abuse in the past, your biological family clearly did not think of you as an enough of a '''''hindrance''''' to abandon you or threw you out

your parents have paid for everything you have in the past 18 years without doing so much as forcing you to work part-time jobs or refusing to send you off to college because it costs too much

think about what you've said about 'killing your brother and father' in middle school and considering your family as just a 'hindrance' at this point because even though your mom/dad did some fucked up things to you, they are still your parents and you need to show them love and treat them with respect because they spent the past 18 years raising you and well, they could've been doing something else but because you're their son they chose to feed you and send you to school

[mi40]

Re: Tell me your life story.

cooking, doing dishes, going to work, doing laundry, cleaning up after your mess, driving you to school are all minor things that you never give thought to..

but then you realize they did it because well, deep down inside they still know you're their son and nothing can change that

[Reincarnate]

Re: Tell me your life story.

That is so ridiculously wrong mi40 and it's precisely that kind of faux logic that allows abuse to persist.

If you're trolling, cut that shit out. If not, re-examine the constructs.


Dossar, read my links and get back to me.

[mi40]

Re: Tell me your life story.

everybody's different but if you're going to be bitter about your family your entire life then sadly you will turn into a bitter old man as well

[mi40]

Re: Tell me your life story.

ps) i think you're being just bitter about your own situation as well, i don't know all the details but i feel it's better to be either proactively indifferent than being bitter

e: wtf i'm not trolling, i'm just concerned because having thoughts about killing your brother and father is NOT okay and dossar needs help to either make amends to his family or completely cut them out (without shit like this: "I had thoughts of molesting women (this is not puberty stuff, this is blood and gore violence) and other grisly thoughts. I basically was always looking for revenge against my family and wanting to kill them.")

[blindreper1179]

Re: Tell me your life story.

That's all person to person. I'm bitter about my dad's side of the family, and have no desire to talk to them ever again. That doesn't cloud my judgement on how I'm going to grow up.
(I didn't finish mine, but I left my dad's side when I was 16. He "raised" me until that point.

[Reincarnate]

Re: Tell me your life story.

mi40: If you've had a relatively good upbringing, it's going to be hard for you to understand or empathize with those who've had legitimately bad childhoods. This is because you can't do much more than project your own experiences onto others even though it's all invalid extrapolation (you literally just did this, too).

To be bitter is to be mired in perpetual agony, jealousy, pessimism, and cynicism -- to constantly dwell on things and allow them to taint your worldview even when it's not rational to do so. You can acknowledge that your childhood was horrible without being bitter. Many problems can be solved with ample discussion and lots of parsing/contextualizing, which is what good therapy can accomplish.

"Either make amends to his family or completely cut them out" -- this is only half right. When you have parents like Dossar's, it's oftentimes not possible to make amends. Some people are toxic to the core and cannot be reasoned with. Most people don't understand this. At the end of the day, most people feel some kind of attachment to their parents. Even through all the disagreements, you're all still on the same side and see utility in repairing burned bridges. For toxic families, this is counterproductive, and such malignant individuals are not acting in your best interest. The best way to deal with these people is to cut them out completely.

"Proactive indifference" is just a veiled way to say "get over it," which is useless advice. No shit -- it'd be great if it were that simple. Execution is a million times harder than simply stating an idealized goal. Here's a secret pathway to becoming a billionaire, don't tell anyone: Invent commercial flying hover-car technology. You're welcome.

[axith]

Re: Tell me your life story.

Some people are toxic to the core and cannot be reasoned with. Most people don't understand this.

I didn't realize this until my stepmom went from being 'company polite' all the time, to a wailing bitch who's always the victim in every situation. Luckily, my brother and I are out of there and my dad's in the process of divorcing her. It's taking a lot longer than necessary because the stepbitch is on her 3rd lawyer. No one wants to work with her. I feel pretty bad because my brother had to deal with her emotional abuse way longer than I had to (he did eventually move in with a friend's family).

I'm not a fan of rehashing my past. It's full of things that basically make me more of a cynical person. A lot of stuff where people lose my trust and I get stuck in the circle of not wanting to trust people in general.

[smartdude1212]

Re: Tell me your life story.

"either make amends to his family or completely cut them out" -- this is only half right. When you have parents like Dossar's, it's oftentimes not possible to make amends. Some people are toxic to the core and cannot be reasoned with. Most people don't understand this. At the end of the day, most people feel some kind of attachment to their parents. Even through all the disagreements, you're all still on the same side. For toxic families, this isn't true, and such toxic individuals are not acting in your best interest. The best way to deal with these people is to cut them out completely.

This reminds me of my aforementioned excellent friend in my previous mammoth post... she has been living away from home since graduating in 2009 because her parents never treated her well. She still talked to them periodically, but very rarely had a kind word to say about those conversations when she recounted them to me. There is a hell of a lot I've left out, but just know that they had been causing her a fair amount of mental anguish for several years already.

Then, the year before last, her appendix decided to rupture. She had to be hospitalized almost immediately, underwent routine surgery for appendicitis, etc. I waited for the doctors to bring her back to the room afterwards, and I brought her flowers and a teddy bear (the nurses thought that I, 19 at the time, was her husband). It took much longer for her parents to even step foot in the hospital. According to her, the majority of the visit revolved around her mother blaming her for that ruptured appendix because it made her seem like she was just an attention-seeking wimp, and when did her mother ever play that kind of "poor me" card when she was in serious pain, and maybe she should stop doing this that and the other thing, all of which were obvious contributing factors to her jeopardized health. Not once did her mother express concern for what had just happened, as if my friend had sought out appendicitis, and not once did her father interject to temper the nastiness. I think her mother finally called her an undeserving, unappreciative little cunt, and my friend called her a self-righteous, pompous cunt in return.

Anyhow, from that point on, she essentially ceased all contact with them because of the endless stress associated with their toxicity. Sure, her parents may have given her the bare necessities for survival throughout childhood, but I think if you want to lead a psychologically and emotionally healthier lifestyle and get away from the constant rebukes and harsh criticisms, even from your biological family, and especially if it has been happening for a ridiculous period of time, you cannot just say "oh but I shot out of your vagina so it's not really that bad." Maybe you have to cut them out for a while, and hope for the unlikely event where they smarten up (probably too risky); or maybe you do have to cut them out completely, and start fresh.

[Reincarnate]

Re: Tell me your life story.

Not once did her mother express concern for what had just happened, as if my friend had sought out appendicitis, and not once did her father interject to temper the nastiness.

This is actually a pretty common dynamic from what I've experienced/learned -- one person tends to be the prime abuser and the other is the "silent enabler."

Sure, her parents may have given her the bare necessities for survival throughout childhood, but I think if you want to lead a psychologically and emotionally healthier lifestyle and get away from the constant rebukes and harsh criticisms, even from your biological family, and especially if it has been happening for a ridiculous period of time, you cannot just say "oh but I shot out of your vagina so it's not really that bad." Maybe you have to cut them out for a while, and hope for the unlikely event where they smarten up (probably too risky); or maybe you do have to cut them out completely, and start fresh.

That's also a big reason abuse tends to carry on sometimes -- "oh, but it's FAMILY!" as if that's the get-out-of-jail-free card. Kids naturally/biologically tend to feel a connection to their parents, and unfortunately some parents use that to their advantage.

[smartdude1212]

Re: Tell me your life story.

I'd have to agree on that front. I know her father was fairly vocal about a lot of things that she did or the people with whom she chose to associate, but I suspect that some of those ideas were propagated from his wife's ramblings without so much as a second thought.

This is also why I harbour such cynicism toward relationships (perhaps I should preface that with "loving" or "committed" because I don't mean the standard, say, employer-employee relationship, since I feel as if that may not be so applicable here), because it often seems like one person is regularly silenced by another, and they subconsciously let it happen. Is this perhaps a result of not wanting to disagree for fear of being perceived as insignificant by one's significant other? I'm a huge proponent of openness -- despite my own personal shortcomings on the matter -- so it's almost unnerving when I see a couple agree on an issue yet I know that one of them does feel differently in some way.

I suppose it's one way of weathering what could be a hell of an unpredictable storm.