Mental illness thread

[choof]

Re: Mental illness thread

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quality_of_life

[Dinglesberry]

Re: Mental illness thread

i'm sick of seeing all these things saying "maybe it will get better" or saying that life gets better, because what is really a "good life"? To me its just some human social construct of what it means to be happy, like this idea that furthering yourself or "improving" yourself will make you happy.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nihilism

The more I think about it, the more I feel like this ^

[Dinglesberry]

Re: Mental illness thread

Gotta get that good job and learn good so you can continue to live the same lonely bullshit existence, devoid of any meaning, knawm sayin'

[MikeShinoda12345]

Re: Mental illness thread

I feel like maybe even if there's no meaning the experience of life can still be worth it just because... there's happiness, there's beauty, there's for some reason a part of you that wants life to have meaning and wants to keep pushing on towards something

Like we don't have to lead a "lonely bullshit existence," and I think that's one thing people can mean when they say that it gets better? That things will happen and time will pass and eventually, maybe, you'll feel like life is worth living in itself, meaning or no
It's not very convincing when you're struggling but it's easier to see this once you come out on the other side again

(This gets kind of complicated because I'm actually pretty religious, and I feel like that's the primary thing that pushes me away from Nihilism, but religion is a whole other discussion and frankly not one I want to have except in PMs)
(...But one's worldview does completely change their beliefs about all of these things in general anyways, "what is a good life" etc etc)

[A2P]

Re: Mental illness thread

@Dingle

What I mean is how one feels on a daily basis. A couple months ago, I was feeling extremely paranoid and delusional constantly. I ended up having to check myself into a psych ward. As soon as I got the proper mental health care, I started to feel more at peace with my life.

[choof]

Re: Mental illness thread

i'm p. nihilistic but i feel that life's meaning is up to the person living it

[valentineSM]

Re: Mental illness thread

gotta reach d8 boys

[Tia-]

Re: Mental illness thread

statistically 100% of unhappy people are not d8

also respect to you A2P, happy you're feeling better about things

[Cavernio]

Re: Mental illness thread

Well if anyone carries this through to the previous post of my thread, the reset method I had been 'working' on (its the opposite of effort, so not sure how to best describe it) suddenly and unexpectedly clicked at a clear, unsurpassable level of consciousness a couple months ago.

I suppose that experience would be called delusional by the DSM term for it. Mystical is the term I would use for it.
Not my fault mysticism is all but dead in my society.

In the irony of ironies, the moment I finally felt good enough to not desire medical intervention for my 'mental health' (fuck how I hate that loaded term) I was offered a local psychiatrist. They are in very short supply, usually have wait lists of years. Their office even called me back a week ago or so, trying to follow up with me. Deleted the voicemail. Bitches wouldn't know what to do with me if they actually talked to me now anyways.

In further news, I am reminded, once again, how seriously I have to take my diet. The neurological aspects of my celiac disease flare up so easily, and will flare up for week/weeks at a time. Being high all the time kinda masked how much physical pain I get in. The mental issues of course is horrible too. Emotionally as well. My body temperature fluctuates just as much as my emotions and my mind. It's a whole body thing but like...the psyc ward where I get forced into doesn't even listen when I tell them that I actually sleep fine for the most part. They do not realize that I have an autoimmune disorder that affects my entire body and my mind, and it gets me just angry talking about the total unawareness that celiac disease affects me neurologically that every doctor I run into, has. Because until I see a neurologist, my own knowledge of my own body and the -obvious putting together of many other people knowingly having my symptoms who have my disease- are -not enough-
As if! There's no standardized test for this stuff anyways, all a neurologist can go by is my own words anyways!

It's frustrating not being able to be social with most people over food. Most people don't understand. Most people try to offer me food I can't actually eat although they insist it is safe. No. No it is not safe. Had the hospital try to serve me glutinous food too, on more than once. Once was an accident. Another time it was clearly a bowl of cheerios, not gluten free, I can't eat oats. I literally can't trust someone else to prepare food for me. I have had nurses say to me 'So you're refusing to eat?' The hospital in cobourg doesn't even have gluten free meals, much less gluten AND dairy free food.

I risk eating out when I travel (I've travelled a bunch in the past couple years) and every time I get some sort of contamination.

Weed that once relaxed me now makes my mind race even more. Since the flip switched a few months ago I am not depressed anymore. I do however experience fear at a level I did not before though.

It feels good to read about other celiacs who have problems like I do. Many of them have it worse than me.

Going back to not eating dairy anymore. Dairy definitely affects my neurology in a bad way. Definitely linked to the celiac disease. Linked to the fear of things. Linked to pain. Linked to my -very recent- lack of sleep (but that's also related to stopping weed so suddenly). I've read numerous articles about it being linked to schizophrenia in general.

[Hakulyte]

Re: Mental illness thread

I'm with you on glutten and dairy Cavernio ~

Life feels randomly easier when I avoid them too.

[SICKOVENOMOUS]

Re: Mental illness thread

When I feel DP'D, i fucking go on a rampage and hate everyone for no reason

[Psychotik]

Re: Mental illness thread

I just feel alone. I have friends who care about me and a family that loves me, yet I still feel alone. I'm completely socially retarded. I've burned a lot of bridges over the years and some with people I'll have to see often. I want to repair those bridges, but people are stubborn (we both wronged each other, why can't they see it from the other side? Jesus fuck people).

I relate to this way more than I'd like to. Every I do I seem to purposefully make myself more and more isolated. I've burned at least two set bridges with two groups of friends. I really don't have any friends anymore. I moved out into an apartment, living alone. I avoid any type of social interaction. I hate being alone but I do this to myself and I don't know why.

I don't even know what I suffer from from. Probably depression, but it would be self-diagnosed and I don't trust myself to get things right.

[Kairon]

Re: Mental illness thread

Firstly, sorry for the long post. Secondly, I want to thank everyone who has shared things in this thread so far. Knowing you're not alone is an insanely powerful tool, more so than you realize.

Prologue:

I have depression including suicidal ideations as well as anxiety with panic attacks. The anxiety I have dealt with all my life — my dad died when I was 8 which exacerbated things, but my mother says she saw symptoms going back as far as kindergarten, and I remember panic attacks from at least 6th grade on.

Things took a turn for the worse last year when I entered a severe depressive episode, and had a bad interaction at work which led to me nearly steering my car into oncoming traffic (intentionally) on the way home. I subsequently lost my job because I no longer had the cognitive/emotional capacity to function as I did, and I spent around three months at the end of last year in a partial hospitalization program — intensive therapy for 6 hours a day, 5-6 days a week.

After the onset of this episode, I did two things that were meaningful to me.

#1: Once I knew I was going to be spending time in a mental health facility, I made this post on Facebook:

Real talk time:

I’ve been suffering from depression for a while now. I am on medication but it has reached a point of severity where I am actively seeking psychiatric hospitalization. I will probably be going through intensive treatment for at least the next couple weeks, and my intention is to post and joke* about it as much as can.

Three reasons for this:

1. I want to be honest about myself and this has become an incredibly impactful force at this point in my life. To not talk about it would be to not mention the elephant in the room after it had already trampled three dinner guests and shat in the salad bowl.

2. Joking helps me deal. And I know I'm not alone in that regard. The Venn diagram of comedians with depression and comedians who use stage time as therapy is a circle.

3. I want to distigmatize, demystify, and normalize as much as I can. Yeah, there's a lot more talking about mental illness these days but there's also still a lot of stigma, misinformation, prejudice, assumption, and flat-out bullshit surrounding it.

Here's what's actually happening: I have a problem and am seeking treatment for it. No different than cancer or a broken leg. I'm lucky in that I have identified this problem (with the help of multiple doctors and some very supportive loved ones) before doing something that would harm myself and, in turn, those I care about. I expect to come out of this experience better, but with the understanding that these are problems I will have to deal with throughout my life. And the benefit to you all is you get to be friends with the guy who made it out of the loony bin.

I know this is heavy stuff so here's a joke to kick things off:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I think I'm going to kill myself.
"I think I'm going to kill myself" who?
-silence-

*[Context: I perform standup comedy]

The result was an amazing outpouring of support, including people I hadn’t heard from in years messaging me to tell me they had gone through exactly what I was going through and/or that they would always be there if I needed someone to talk to. Obviously this type of broadcasting is not for everyone, but the underlying importance of reaching out cannot be understated. And I struggle with it a lot — I isolate, ignore, and push help aside. I wallow in loneliness. But I know that's something I have to actively combat, and there are tangible ways to do it. For example, I have a daily reminder in my phone that just tells me to make contact with someone that I know. Anybody. Whether it's in person, via phone, or just in the form of a text. It’s small, but it helps. I’m a firm believer in setting self-care goals that are not so large as to be overwhelming or so intangible as to be useless (“you just need to think more positively,” etc.).

#2: Last November, for my birthday, I got this tattoo:

If you haven’t seen it before, this is a reference to Project Semicolon. The idea is that in writing a semicolon can be used in lieu of a period, to continue on where a sentence might end. Thus, the semicolon stands for deciding to continue your story instead of ending it.

When I voiced the idea of getting it, one of my close friends who shares a lot of my experiences with mental illness asked something to the effect of, "Are you sure you want this permanently? These may be times you don't want to remember later on." I responded:

I get where you’re coming from. But for me, it represents much more than just my own personal struggles. It’s a reminder that I can’t stop advocating for mental health care and awareness, and that even when I make it through this I still need to be as passionate about it as I am right at this moment.

And I also have to remember that I owe so much to so many supportive people that have helped and are helping me make it through these painful moments. It’s a reminder that I was lucky enough to get to continue my story, and now maybe I get to help someone continue theirs — someone who might not be able to on their own.

And while there are times of my life, both now and in the past, that I would love to erase from my memory forever, some of that pain is what drives me to help others, because I know what it’s like to feel like everything is hopeless and agonizing, and the only way out is to jump into the void.

If every time I look at my wrist I remember darkness then that will make me want to fight that much harder to spread the light.

For me, my depression manifests primarily in feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. The hopelessness is probably the hardest to overcome when it hits. But the flip side of that is that it's easier for me to see worth and hope in others by comparison, so I realized that altruism could become a method for channelling my negative energy into outward momentum. I decided that a specific cause would allow for more focused acts, and for me, spreading mental illness awareness seemed like an obvious choice. So I've performed at and helped organize charity events, worked with my ex-girlfriend (a psychology pHd and professor with a focus on disability studies, as well as a depression sufferer) to develop educational content and workshops, and I do all the usual social media stuff as much as I can.

I’m not saying this to be self-aggrandizing — I’m not some great philanthropist, I can be as dumb and selfish and petty as the next guy. And I wouldn't call this type of selflessness perfectly healthy either, as I am effectively calling myself a lost cause. But having a purpose that gives me reason to turn my energy externally does stave off some of the darker moments and the net effect is ultimately positive.

Addendum — Three things to remember:

1. You can call the Suicide Hotline even if you're not suicidal. You won't get shipped off to an institution. If you just need to talk to someone, it's literally they're job to listen.

2. Mental illnesses are illnesses. Don't listen to anyone who says they aren't. Sometimes they require meds. Don't listen to anyone who says they don't.

3. One person’s treatment may not work for you, and vice versa. Try not to get discouraged, even if your search for treatment takes you through multiple medications/doctors/therapists/techniques/etc. I know the “lab rat” feeling very well. Remember that the people trying to help you are doing the best they can.

I could write more but I've probably far overstayed my welcome. I hope something here is helpful. Feel free to message me if you want. I'm a good listening ear.

[SICKOVENOMOUS]

Re: Mental illness thread

1 werd, drugs

[nate mdance]

Re: Mental illness thread

Growing up around all these mental illness treatments, I gotta say, most pharmaceuticals that are marketed to make mental illnesses better just end up making them worse. Like most things in life, if you are reliant on anything that comes from the outside to help what's on your inside your ability to naturally generate said internal processes will deteriorate. Though I've noticed psychoactives that appear in nature tend to be balanced along-side the brains of animals that have evolved along-side them over the millennia. Basically, I believe everything heals, mental and physical, though you have to know what you're absorbing, and guard your gates tenaciously.