I Surrender //

[Devour]

I Surrender


I’m all alone in my cold, little world
How quickly all the hatred unfurled.

My eyes view the world as a pitiful place
Filled with hate and much disgrace.

Venomous words slide off of the tongue
Memories haunt us of when we were young

Every soul is slowly dying; withering away
Until the day we slowly decay.

Isolation as punishment; always has it been
Until any sanity wears thin

Subdued until death, malevolence for ages
Keeping us trapped in little cages

Rage imbued with a passion so strong
No control, no place I belong.

Society is brainwashed; deafened by lies
But I see different behind my eyes.

I despise every friend I’ve ever had
Now surely I’ve gone mad.

The most loving touch is no longer tender
I surrender, I surrender.





Author's Note: As a writer and a fellow human being, I have concluded that through my darkest hour comes the most powerful poetry. In my poetry, a key element that has to be present in the piece is its ability to empathize with the reader--to make them feel an essence of the poem's emotion. I hope you enjoyed.

[kitkat9]

Re: I Surrender //

Wow. This was a piece that really struck me. It's very powerful and it really does say something about the world. I love it.

[Adamaja456]

Re: I Surrender //

its pretty good.

[Devour]

Re: I Surrender //

Wow. This was a piece that really struck me. It's very powerful and it really does say something about the world. I love it.

Thanks a lot, I'm glad it means something to you.

[moches]

Re: I Surrender //

I really liked this for some reason. You could have gone the whole 'sing-song' way with it, but you didn't, which was the right choice to make in this case. Makes the rhythm feel much more natural.

[mead1]

Re: I Surrender //

Jesus christ, the people in this forum don't know a god damn thing about poetry. Did you try reading this out loud at all? It doesn't flow. Count the number of syllables in the first line of each couplet, then count the number in the second. If they're not one or two off from each other the line probably doesn't flow. Also, I notice that you constantly jump from "I" to "us" and "we". Don't do that. Pick one and stick with it.

These things aside, your poem is horribly cliche, and has been written about a million times already. Before you write something, ask yourself if there's anything about it that's half-way original or interesting. If you can't honestly answer yes, don't write it.

[YaBoySM]

Re: I Surrender //

Emo poem, but it's still kool.

[lord_carbo]

Re: I Surrender //

Whiny emo poetry. Typical uninspired theme. Like mead said, no flow. Pretty obvious you used a thesaurus (unfurled?). This is not good. Not good at all.

[mead1]

Re: I Surrender //

Wow. This was a piece that really struck me. It's very powerful and it really does say something about the world. I love it.

What an excellent post! You sure know how to praise someone's work and sound super deep at the same time!

Tell me, what exactly does it say about the world?

I'm really interested to hear your answer, because I'm pretty sure that, much like this poem, you're just putting on airs and attempting to look cool.

[The_Q]

Re: I Surrender //

The only reason that makes me empathize with the author's viewpoint is it makes me hate any universe that would spawn such a horrible writer.

Q

[phe0nixblade]

Re: I Surrender //

Jumping on the bandwagon, it's a horrible poem, I didn't even read all of it though. It was too emo for me, woop.

[Devour]

Re: I Surrender //

Harsh, haha. Eh, oh well. requesting lock -.-

[mead1]

Re: I Surrender //

Harsh, haha. Eh, oh well. requesting lock -.-

Wait, really? You only want feedback if it's positive? Go choke on a bag of dicks.

[Devour]

Re: I Surrender //

Well, I didnt post this just to hear some assholes ramble on about how horrible it is. its like, you'd be better off not replying at all, its not like all your posts here have been constructive at all.
edit:this is a poetry thread; Go back to TGB. -__-

[mead1]

Re: I Surrender //

Uh oh, someone's a big man on the internet.

You didn't bitch when people were giving you nonconstructive praise, so you sort of have to accept nonconstructive criticism with it. Otherwise, you deserve to choke on a bag of dicks. Furthermore, Carbo and I both posted at least semi-constructive criticism.

edit: and for the record, lit. is my stomping ground, homie. TGB ain't ****.