Cheating in Relationships

[Izzy]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

Well yea, That is pretty extreme. I can only hope that doesn't happen that often.

[Blue Bird]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

I would never cheat on someone, I do not see the point. However, if you really love someone doesn't that mean that you always want them to be happy? If a physical connection, or the thrill and passion involved, makes that person happier, why would you want to keep them from that? Is there anything more than jealousy involved here?

It's not just jealousy - it's the feeling of betrayal. When your partner cheats, they either tell you, or you find out. Either way, you feel betrayed. You trusted that person, and they did something behind your back. Just because you love them, and want them to be happy regardless of what the decide, it doesn't make things better. It doesn't give them the right to do whatever the **** they want, and you have to be OK because you love them. For cheating to apply, we have to assume that both sides are affectionate for each other, and care about each other to an extent. Someone loves you, and by cheating on them you're basically just taking their love and stepping over it. No decent person would do that on purpose. That's why people usually feel bad after they cheat. No matter how much you still love them, it's not just because you're jealous they did it with someone else. In some rare cases, it is understandable. But in a lot of others, I think there's more than just jealousy when it comes to cheating.

And yeah sorry I wrote it all in one huge paragraph. xD Just woke up and didn't know where to break.

[super kid]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

If you are jealous, then there is lack of trust. If you trust your partner enough to feel that he/she is going to cheat on you then that's a problem.

It's simple, if you loose affection for your partner try everything you can to try and save the marriage, if not don't stay with them. I mean yes, it does hurt when someone you love just dumped you, but it hurts less if they dumped you before they cheated on you then if they did it after they had cheated and you found out.

[richhhhhard]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

So many thoughts.

I don't really see cheating as something stupid or a little mistake. I find it to be pretty deliberate and easily avoidable if you cared at all about your current relationship.

"woops, I randomly went over to this guys house and we accidentally had sex."

I thought that was pretty funny, but either way, that is still the way YOU see it, right?
As korny was saying, alcohol can make you do things that you do not mean to do. A lot of people like to think that you are still in control of your actions even when you are drunk, but sometimes that is really not the case. Alcohol affects pretty much every part of your body, including the neurological synapses in your brain. This is the reason that sometimes people don't remember what happened, your brain becomes unable to store memories.

Anyway, this isn't a lecture on alcohol, it is just the fact that there can be cases that it is explainable.

the problem resides in the conception of relationships. so far, we've restricted sexuality between the walls of marriage and man-women interaction. i'd say this is a pretty dumb way to expletate this phisiological need. animals in general (don't forget we are too!) develop their relationship habits through evolution, therefore the habit which grants the best survival chances is the one passed on. we humans, on the other hand, do not strive for survival. our choices should be regulated by the logic of major pleasure for the self *AND* the others. a single person relationhip does not satisfy this need, and it is rather a surpassed view.

I agree with *most* of what you said, however "a single person relationhip does not satisfy this need, and it is rather a surpassed view," is not really something you can say. You can say that for yourself, but some people *can* feel satisfied in single person relationships. It just depends on the person.

Perhaps you encountered a situation that truly tested the limits of human flaws and human nature. A man, statistically far more susceptible to giving into sexual desires, is at a bar, has a good amount of drinks, meets a woman who he engages in conversation with finds there is great chemistry between them not to mention is inebriated. Leaves the bar without the woman only to find out she lives across the street as she's just exited her vehicle as he has. This man's wife has been away on business for 7 months. I think we all understand how this scenario could unfold and not be considered totally inexcusable no? I don't think it could be considered completely deliberate at all even without a situation of this magnitude. That's a very black and white way of thinking that is hardly fair, but maybe that's just me.

I didn't really consider specific situations when thinking about this, it may seem unlikely that things like that happen, but situations like that do occur. It's called a movie.

But really this is a good point. Because how many people do you think wake up in the morning thinking "I am going to cheat on my spouse today!" Obviously in most cases it is something that can be controlled, but sometimes even then that doesn't mean it is unforgivable.

Thanks for an example of a situation in which it may be understandable.

It's not just jealousy - it's the feeling of betrayal. When your partner cheats, they either tell you, or you find out. Either way, you feel betrayed. You trusted that person, and they did something behind your back. Just because you love them, and want them to be happy regardless of what the decide, it doesn't make things better. It doesn't give them the right to do whatever the **** they want, and you have to be OK because you love them. For cheating to apply, we have to assume that both sides are affectionate for each other, and care about each other to an extent. Someone loves you, and by cheating on them you're basically just taking their love and stepping over it. No decent person would do that on purpose. That's why people usually feel bad after they cheat. No matter how much you still love them, it's not just because you're jealous they did it with someone else. In some rare cases, it is understandable. But in a lot of others, I think there's more than just jealousy when it comes to cheating.

And yeah sorry I wrote it all in one huge paragraph. xD Just woke up and didn't know where to break.

I see what you are saying, but this is kind of going in circles. You said it was more the feeling of betrayal than jealousy, but why do you feel betrayed? Because they lied to you? Because they went behind your back? Because they hurt you. All this is saying to me is that love really is completely selfish, because when they do something that hurts you it is unforgivable. You said "Someone loves you, and by cheating on them you're basically just taking their love and stepping over it. No decent person would do that on purpose," so if we assume that they both love each other and one cheats on the other, because that person did something that broke that love, it causes you to stop loving them. It seems like what you are saying is that you love them loving you, because when they stop it makes you stop.

[super kid]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

Cheating is not heat of passion, its premeditated. People plan to cheat on their partner, unless they were under the influence or drugs, or alcohol. It can be prevented. People cheat because either they don't feel loved anymore, or they really don't care at all in which they shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.

[korny]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

Cheating is not heat of passion, its premeditated. People plan to cheat on their partner, unless they were under the influence or drugs, or alcohol. It can be prevented. People cheat because either they don't feel loved anymore, or they really don't care at all in which they shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place.

Wait seriously? So I knew I was going to eventually meet someone else who also had amazing chemistry, who happened to kiss me suddenly and thus flooding my mind with a sense of impaired judgment leading to sex? Those things do happen and more unexpectedly than you think. Give me a break.

Rich I'm curious. If you were with a girl, and she told you she had sex with someone the other day, but you could deduce through body language and such that she meant it when she said she still genuinely cares about you and likes you more than the other person undoubtedly, that you would not really care either way?

[Blue Bird]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

I see what you are saying, but this is kind of going in circles. You said it was more the feeling of betrayal than jealousy, but why do you feel betrayed? Because they lied to you? Because they went behind your back? Because they hurt you. All this is saying to me is that love really is completely selfish, because when they do something that hurts you it is unforgivable. You said "Someone loves you, and by cheating on them you're basically just taking their love and stepping over it. No decent person would do that on purpose," so if we assume that they both love each other and one cheats on the other, because that person did something that broke that love, it causes you to stop loving them. It seems like what you are saying is that you love them loving you, because when they stop it makes you stop.

No no. Sorry, you misunderstood. I believe it's perfectly possible to forgive someone after they've cheated on you. Sure it hurts, but it's not the end of the world, especially if the person who cheated feels sorry for what they did, and still wants to be with you. It's up to the person who got cheated, though. Cheating does sometimes happen accidentally. It's stupid, yes. And irresponsible. It's like staying up all night playing videogames, knowing that you have work due tomorrow which you haven't done.

Just because someone loves another person though, doesn't give that person the right to do everything they want. You may still love them, but it doesn't make it right, and anyone with the least amount of self-respect will say enough's enough after they get cheated on more than once. Sure, you want them to be happy and do well in life, but where's the sense in getting together with that someone if they're just gonna go behind your back with someone else? Like you said, there has to be trust in a relationship, but what happens when that trust is broken? It's not selfish to be upset or hurt, or even mad with them, even though you love them. And I don't think it's got anything to do with jealousy.

There are certain things we expect from people. If you're about to cross a busy avenue, and there's someone behind you, you expect them not to just shove you in front of a bus. When you're in a relationship and you trust each other, you expect the person not to cheat on you. If it does happen, things didn't really go as you expected, and that makes you angry, frustrated, upset, etc. "How could you do this to me?" and so on. It doesn't make it selfish, though. We can't expect any other reaction from this situation, because if the cheated one just goes "oh that's OK honey just don't do it again" then that person has a problem. If the person just goes "yeah OK, whatever" then they obviously don't care about the relationship.

For cheating to occur, the other person has to feel "cheated". This feeling can occur outside the relationship scenario, but still triggers the same responses.

[8Shade8]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

I would never cheat on someone, I do not see the point. However, if you really love someone doesn't that mean that you always want them to be happy? If a physical connection, or the thrill and passion involved, makes that person happier, why would you want to keep them from that? Is there anything more than jealousy involved here?

As far as I am concerned, most people in serious relationships that end in cheating are because one of the significant others has found something better that they like in someone else. In my opinion I would say that the majority of breakups are either a woman feels that she likes another man's personality better, or a man feels like his g/f isn't putting out enough. I think it is safe to say that 6/10 men are sexually driven and 6/10 women are emotionally driven.

From personal experience, I have had the "women likes another man's personality better" scenario happen to me two times now. Twice now, I have been in a serious relationship. The first one was really decent. The girl I was with was very intelligent, and I really enjoyed her company. We had a good relationship with each other until I joined the Army. She was very Democratic and against the war etc, however, eventually what it boiled down to was that she saw something else she liked in other men. (She was smart about it though, unlike my second girlfriend...I will get to that in the next paragraph). I do not know if she was with another guy or whatever, but eventually she told me to **** off because she likes "assholes". I was like wtf....I am not an asshole by nature, I stand up for myself sure, but I am not a dick to women. Apparently she doesn't like the romantic type. After the depression, and steps of denial and whatnot, I finally got over it and decided to move on.

Second relationship was the same way, except she wasn't quite as intelligent. I had actually proposed to her and we were supposed to get married before I went to Iraq. As it turns out, she decided to cheat on me and her reasoning was that "Joe you are just too nice". Again...wtf. I say she wasn't as intelligent because she actually TRIED to INTRODUCE the guy to my face and break up with me at the same time. Needless to say he ended up in the ER with a broken nose and I slept in a jail cell that night.

So I went to Iraq all emotionally ****ed up. The point of this is to answer the quoted question at the top of my post: ".....if you really love someone doesn't that mean that you always want them to be happy?" The answer to that is absolutely! First I must define "love". If I had to define "love" in my own words: Love - The unconditional caring of the people who are important to you. Of course I was enraged and I wanted to kill their new boyfriends, however, I am a bit more mature than that. I let them go be happy. After much analysis I concluded that I am 20 years old, and have a very long time to search for someone else. Younger ages are for exploring what type of women and men you like. If she want's try out different things with different people to see what can and will make her happy, I would let her do it. It would be MUCH more generous of her to let me know about it in a mature manner and not lead me on to think that she loves me more than anything in the world when she is really considering how to ditch me to try out someone else.

[super kid]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

Wait seriously? So I knew I was going to eventually meet someone else who also had amazing chemistry, who happened to kiss me suddenly and thus flooding my mind with a sense of impaired judgment leading to sex?

Wait what? People that are married don't usually think they are going to meet someone else who had amazing chemistry. What you just said there makes it sound like that person was going to cheat if they found that person with "amazing chemistry." Also why would you be alone with that person anyway, and how would you know that person has amazing chemistry? Don't you think you would know that person for awhile to figure out he/she has the chemistry?

[Blue Bird]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

Wait what? People that are married don't usually think they are going to meet someone else who had amazing chemistry. What you just said there makes it sound like that person was going to cheat if they found that person with "amazing chemistry." Also why would you be alone with that person anyway, and how would you know that person has amazing chemistry? Don't you think you would know that person for awhile to figure out he/she has the chemistry?

All I can say here is... **** happens. I can think of a few scenarios where you would be alone with someone else. You think nothing is going to happen, but it's hard to tell, especially when the other person is interested in you, and even though you may be happy with your current relationship, that person has something which is attractive to you. Some people can just stop it all before it happens.

I'm just gonna throw it out there though, there's a difference between just cheating, and actually having an affair with someone else. If you have an affair, then yeah - that's your **** up. You know you're ****ing up, and you're doing it anyway. But there's also that one time thing that you regret moments after it's over. It's different. I'd say becomes an affair the moment you plan on doing it again.

[richhhhhard]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

Wait seriously? So I knew I was going to eventually meet someone else who also had amazing chemistry, who happened to kiss me suddenly and thus flooding my mind with a sense of impaired judgment leading to sex? Those things do happen and more unexpectedly than you think. Give me a break.

I don't think that his claim was necessarily ridiculous. Unless your mind is impaired you *do* know what you are doing, and that it is "wrong." But that isn't really the point of the argument.

Rich I'm curious. If you were with a girl, and she told you she had sex with someone the other day, but you could deduce through body language and such that she meant it when she said she still genuinely cares about you and likes you more than the other person undoubtedly, that you would not really care either way?

I can not say for sure that i would not care, because it has not happened. Honestly though, what is the big deal? Is sex what makes a relationship? Everyone has a different idea of love and sex and how they relate, so obviously it is going to be different for everyone. But in the end what is happening? Another guy is kissing her, and or, putting his penis inside her vagina. Oh no! Does that change anything that has happened between you and her? Does that make all of your memories less meaningful?

You could look at it two ways. One way would be that sex is a sign of love, that you only share between someone that you truly love.

Another would be that sex is a pleasurable experience that both people enjoy.

Depending on your stance it would most likely change your opinion on this debate quite a lot.
In my opinion, it does not really matter. Obviously I would prefer it not to happen, but I think that if I had to choose between her being UNhappy being faithful and happy being UNfaithful, I would want her to be happy. It seems selfish any other way, no matter how you rationalize it. Trying to rationalize love rarely works out though...

But to look at it another way, consider if she was unfaithful and never said anything, and you never found out. Would it change anything then? If you continued living happily, everything was normal, and no one got hurt. So what is the difference there and when the cheater confesses due to guilt? The one that felt bad about it is punished while the one that did not is not. So what did the *act* of cheating really change? Absolutely nothing(outside of the exceptions mentioned), the only thing that is affected is YOUR feelings when you find out.

I feel like I am defending people that cheat on their loved ones, that is not what I am trying to do though. I was just trying to question peoples reasoning and motives behind it. And also if it is any more "right" to retaliate by ending the relationship, or making them feel terrible (because they hurt you is it right to hurt them?).

[korny]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

Sometimes there are those instances that defy normal occurences between 2 people, and likewise, seemingly unparallel chemistry between 2 persons can be unexpectedly discovered between more than just your own wife. The woman you're married to seemed like miss perfect, until one day you're on a flight on business engaging in conversation with someone who might have you convinced she's even better in such a short amount of time. I don't even feel as if a scenario of this calibre is necessary to depict how such instances can occur. I also don't think it's really necessary to have to explain how that's just one scenario out of so many others that could happen just like it. In such scenarios, situations can always occur beyond what we ever expected to happen. Nothing is ever as certain as we convince ourselves to believe regarding the vows of marriage.

Basically it all boils down to human nature and the flaws associated with that, and each individuals means for justifying their behavior towards the different aspects within their relationship. I don't think it's fair for anyone to say that I “love” or respect someone less because we openly have sex with other people and are aware. Certain guidelines are set within your own relationship and it is between the couple to fully understand them.

[Blue Bird]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

No it's not right to hurt them, just because they hurt you. That's kiddy stuff. You see it in movies a lot, though. The person cheats ends up getting shot by their partner, or something. >_> It's hard to say what's going on in their mind, but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's a selfish act.

And dude, if she wants to be happy and UNfaithful, that's fine with me. It's not like she's the only girl in the world. And sure I love her, but I'd rather be with someone who loves me back, enough to be happy AND faithful with me.

[super kid]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

No it's not right to hurt them, just because they hurt you. That's kiddy stuff. You see it in movies a lot, though. The person cheats ends up getting shot by their partner, or something. >_>

Steve Mcnair, and Arturo Gatti. It happens a lot in real life.

[richhhhhard]

Re: Cheating in Relationships

Sorry to double post, more to respond to...

There are certain things we expect from people. If you're about to cross a busy avenue, and there's someone behind you, you expect them not to just shove you in front of a bus.

Haha, that made me laugh. I see what you are saying too, sorry I misunderstood the first time.

As far as I am concerned, most people in serious relationships that end in cheating are because one of the significant others has found something better that they like in someone else. In my opinion I would say that the majority of breakups are either a woman feels that she likes another man's personality better, or a man feels like his g/f isn't putting out enough. I think it is safe to say that 6/10 men are sexually driven and 6/10 women are emotionally driven.

From personal experience, I have had the "women likes another man's personality better" scenario happen to me two times now. Twice now, I have been in a serious relationship. The first one was really decent. The girl I was with was very intelligent, and I really enjoyed her company. We had a good relationship with each other until I joined the Army. She was very Democratic and against the war etc, however, eventually what it boiled down to was that she saw something else she liked in other men. (She was smart about it though, unlike my second girlfriend...I will get to that in the next paragraph). I do not know if she was with another guy or whatever, but eventually she told me to **** off because she likes "assholes". I was like wtf....I am not an asshole by nature, I stand up for myself sure, but I am not a dick to women. Apparently she doesn't like the romantic type. After the depression, and steps of denial and whatnot, I finally got over it and decided to move on.

Second relationship was the same way, except she wasn't quite as intelligent. I had actually proposed to her and we were supposed to get married before I went to Iraq. As it turns out, she decided to cheat on me and her reasoning was that "Joe you are just too nice". Again...wtf. I say she wasn't as intelligent because she actually TRIED to INTRODUCE the guy to my face and break up with me at the same time. Needless to say he ended up in the ER with a broken nose and I slept in a jail cell that night.

So I went to Iraq all emotionally ****ed up. The point of this is to answer the quoted question at the top of my post: ".....if you really love someone doesn't that mean that you always want them to be happy?" The answer to that is absolutely! First I must define "love". If I had to define "love" in my own words: Love - The unconditional caring of the people who are important to you. Of course I was enraged and I wanted to kill their new boyfriends, however, I am a bit more mature than that. I let them go be happy. After much analysis I concluded that I am 20 years old, and have a very long time to search for someone else. Younger ages are for exploring what type of women and men you like. If she want's try out different things with different people to see what can and will make her happy, I would let her do it. It would be MUCH more generous of her to let me know about it in a mature manner and not lead me on to think that she loves me more than anything in the world when she is really considering how to ditch me to try out someone else.

Damn, sorry that happened twice. From my experience young girls don't like nice guys but after the teen years it reverses, so I wouldn't change too much if I were you. And I agree that in any situation handling it responsibly and not concealing what is happening would be the better thing to do.

All I can say here is... **** happens. I can think of a few scenarios where you would be alone with someone else. You think nothing is going to happen, but it's hard to tell, especially when the other person is interested in you, and even though you may be happy with your current relationship, that person has something which is attractive to you. Some people can just stop it all before it happens.

I'm just gonna throw it out there though, there's a difference between just cheating, and actually having an affair with someone else. If you have an affair, then yeah - that's your **** up. You know you're ****ing up, and you're doing it anyway. But there's also that one time thing that you regret moments after it's over. It's different. I'd say becomes an affair the moment you plan on doing it again.

Yeah, that is a good point. If it gets to that point, and it is being done despite her knowing how it makes you feel then that would not be something that could just be ignored. I guess it just comes down to each individuals feelings on the situation.