Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

[LordCarlos]

I'm known to be argumentative. I like to play devil's advocate. The problem is that not everyone likes to play devil's advocate, especially most people, including most of my family. So basically, even though I agree with someone, I end up making enemies because they are emotionally heated. The word "No" just doesn't sit well with a lot of people, and it just seems to somehow ruin a lot of otherwise amazing relationships. I like to play devils advocate and see all the possibilities, see all sides and perspectives. But people seem to be so biased, they can't even look at the opposite side for a second!

I recently started lying and just said "yes" "mhmm" and "oh, of course! you are certainly right about that!" And it has definitely earned me some improvement in a lot of relationships.

So what do you think? Is a "yes" policy almost always better than a "no" policy? Some of you might think, "You should stand up for what you believe in! Don't always say yes! That's being a coward!" But you know what, saying "Yes" solves *a lottt!!* of problems! I have avoided entire arguments just by saying yes and giving compliments. I've made love instead of war. "Yes" and "I'm listening" seem to be magic words that rub people in a very very nice way.

What are your thoughts? I consider this a personal recipe for success. The YES! strategy.

[DaBackpack]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

It doesn't have to be a dichotomy, and it really shouldn't be. I think it really comes down to being aware of the situation you're in: does this person want a discussion/argument or do they want to vent/express an opinion?

Sometimes people want to say things without hearing other opinions, and if it's not an immediately harmful opinion, I just say "I see" and don't press the issue. If someone wants an argument/discussion and they hate you for saying your opinion, then that's their problem really.

A lot of times you need to hold your ground: if I'm in a meeting and we are making important design decisions for our product then I absolutely speak my mind and avoid groupthink.

tl;dr if it matters, argue, otherwise gauge whether or not the other person is asking for a discussion

[benguino]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

The thing is, if you say "yes" when you know the truthful answer is "no", then you're lying. The type of scenario you're describing is one of the things that is commonly brought up in the more general discussion about whether or not lying is always wrong.

I think most of us would agree that lying, in general, is morally wrong. However, telling the truth conflicts with other virtues that we hold on to such as compassion and being considerate (and you can see how those conflict in the example you present).

There are times however, when white lies, even though they are intended to make both parties better off, end up hurting the person being lied to. For example, telling someone that the food they cooked is delicious when you really believe it's terrible, would cause them to think that they are doing a good job at making food and thus they will continue to make horrible food. Consider the alternative where you tell them the truth, they perhaps become offended, but at least they know their food is terrible and make an effort the next time to improve their cooking skills.

[Reincarnate]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

Yes, I think this is a wonderful recipe for success!

[DaBackpack]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

I know exactly what you mean though, I play Devil's Advocate all the time with my family and I think it's hard for them to separate "my feelings on the matter" with the logic of what I'm saying.

[_Zenith_]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

Yes, I think this is a wonderful recipe for success!

I'm dead

I would never play the Yes Man Card because you aren't standing up for anything you believe in and are just being less argumentative for the sake of keeping a friendship.

If a friendship relies on the fact you must agree with the other person involved, it isn't worth it. I mean, I've spoke my mind on here, got burned for it, and moved on. I learned, I argued, and I still have friends.

Honestly, it is fine to agree and even if you agree with any person a majority of the interactions you have with people, then justify it in a way that makes you seem less of a Yes Man and more of your own man. If you're being a Yes Man to avoid conflict, then grow up and face reality. Nobody can avoid conflict; it will always present itself in various ways, but seriously, be yourself and stand up for your beliefs and if some of the information behind said belief is wrong then learn and move on.

[Destroy2777]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

Going forward with a simple "yes to all" method will not result in what's best for you nor people around you, imo. Your own perspective is necessary in responses, and only responding in agreement to everything will only mislead other people, which could end up causing some very unstable situations and misunderstandings in the future.

I would have to think that detail would be paramount to denying a viewpoint. If you don't like what the other side speaks about, tell them why, and give your stance on it. If you partially agree, that, too, is something you can express. This does feed into Reuben's cooking example: express how the food may be terrible, and this will give the chef input as to how they can improve, with the end result that you are helping the person by giving them a negative response.

I also have to imagine a relationship that has constant dissonances in opinion to be very difficult to sustain: in such a relationship, if one only gives flat yes or no responses, one will only find themselves either tethered along to points he or she may not believe, or just find himself or herself at odds with the other person quite often - something that would not be at all conducive to a pleasant acquaintance.

This, however, is where the detail comes in. Going beyond the simple "yes" or "no" lets the opposing side get an understanding of your opinion, and this could break down into further explanation by the other side, and a middle ground can form, resulting in a mutual acceptance of each side's beliefs.

Tl;dr: Don't be flat with your responses; explain yourself, and don't follow what you don't agree to.

[stargroup100]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

On a general scope, this is a simple issue. Details is what makes this complicated.

The simple part about this is understanding the decision-making process. As many people have stated earlier in this thread, it comes down to whether the consequences of your choices are good or bad. If you're avoiding confrontation without hurting other people, sure it's fine to lie, and might even be appropriate to do so.

This reminds me of one of those cliche "intelligence vs wisdom" quotes. An intelligent person can often times speak the truth, but the wise person knows when he is supposed to. Something like that.

[V-Ormix]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

I've thought of trying this myself with people I argue with in my family, but my impulse to wanna give any other side the benefit of the doubt baffles them, and then I end up greatly misunderstood...

I can give as drawn out an explanation for siding the way I see it but most people I've talked to lose their patients and think "oh your just against me aren't you" to the point that they are tuning out anything I say cause they can't get pass the fact I disagree on elements more than in general.

I guess at the end of the day your either for or against some thing for any number or reasons, you'll inevitably not be able to go about the very nature of life by not making a decisive conclusion sooner or later. To say yes now is like offering a temporary false hood of understanding that may have worse implications later if you aren't very clear about who you are and what you stand for instead of just disagreeing and moving on were you deal with problems on the spot.

edit: you sound like some one I'd want to get to know :P, so while you cause arguments with other people you can make friendships with like minds. lose some, win some?

[Kawaii025]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

I guess a way to think about it is if you say 'yes' all the time, then would people start to use you because they know they can throw anything at you and you'll comply?

[Trumpet63]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

Some people enjoy arguments or debates, but there's no way that being critical is always the correct response. I would say: consider how you would want someone to converse with you. A lot of conversation is about sharing feelings, which may or may not be supported by rationality, in which case, a critical response will seldom make someone introspective, but make them defensive. Only very close friends can get away with being critical of each other's emotions, and even then, everyone has their moments when they let their emotions have their way.

Moreover there are the issues of tradition and belief, of which, neither can one expect to be fully grounded in rationality. It is almost never appropriate to respond to these critically, and even questions that come out of curiosity can be construed as judgmental, which again will elicit a defensive response.

In short, consider the story of Socrates before you decide to base your life around playing devil's advocate.

[Funnygurl555]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

i agree with dbp it depends really

also arguing for the sake of arguing is a good practice sometimes
everyday life isn't one of them

[awein999]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

No
http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-No-A.../dp/B00JU5YAKW

[LordCarlos]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

Wow great responses.

I agree with all of you! You all have such wonderful responses. Also, did you know that everyone here is amazing? Yes, it's true!

*clapclapclapclap*



Ok really, some of you have now convinced me to be more flexible and say "no" sometimes depending on the situation. So I have revised my master plan. It's called the "Will they enjoy it?" strategy. So when you disagree, you must say it in a way they they will enjoy it.

For example,
Suzy: "Is my pizza with mustard sauce good?"
LordCarlos: (Hmm, how will she enjoy what I'm gonna say?) "This pizza is wonderful, Suzy! But it would be even better with *tomato* sauce instead of mustard!"
Suzy: "I knew it! Next time I'll make it with tomato."
LordCarlos: "Yes m'lady. That would be a very fine idea."

So as you can see, I disagreed, and gave constructive feedback, and everything is amazing. It's the "Will he/she/it/they enjoy it?" strategy. What do you think?

[benguino]

Re: Is it best to say "yes" all the time? To comply? To appease ppl?

It's the "Will he/she/it/they enjoy it?" strategy. What do you think?

I still wouldn't think that kind of strategy would work 100% of the time. In most cases, you're gonna have to take things on a case-by-case basis and determine how your words/actions will either benefit/harm both yourself and the person you are talking to but in the short term and in the long term. And just because something elicits a positive response in the short-term, doesn't mean that is the best long-term solution.