Wow

[-zeroSKILL-]

Random wave of intense sense of loss just hit me. No friends are answering the phone, I assume my family is all asleep, and the fact that my dad is dead just hit me like I heard the news a few minutes ago.

Could post in a Random Thought, but I'm looking for replies from other people who have been through the same stuff

[xealix]

Re: Wow

Im so sorry man.. i don't really know you but im here for you.

[Flaming_Dingleberry]

Re: Wow

Damn... I haven't lost anything, but I think about what death is going to be like (for me or others) and sometimes I get that sense of "WTH, I thought I was over this."

I guess I shouldn't post any more than this, it isn't what you were looking for.

[A2P]

Re: Wow

ahh, that feeling of loneliness when someone significant is gone...I know that feeling.

at least you have some people here for you. your posts are **** sometimes but really i'm extremely empathetic with people in your situation. we're here man

[Cj_leonine]

Re: Wow

Same **** happened to me when my grandfather died. I didn't feel anything when I first heard about him passing away, but then about 2 weeks later what's happening to you kind of happened to me.

[-zeroSKILL-]

Re: Wow

Damn... I haven't lost anything, but I think about what death is going to be like (for me or others) and sometimes I get that sense of "WTH, I thought I was over this."

I guess I shouldn't post any more than this, it isn't what you were looking for.

You're actually on a better track than what other depressed people could keep me on.

I always saw myself as an emotionally devoid kind of person. And then something came along to kick me in the balls and prove me wrong. About the only good it did, was give me an unstoppable will to actually do what I had told my dad I was going to do a couple days before the heart attack. Never got a chance to speak to him again.

Any ways... yes. Some kind of idiotic banter, intelligent debate, or straight up troll post would probably work wonders right about now. I actually started thinking back to before I had lost any body when I read your post. I used to think it wouldn't phase me hardly at all, but that was mainly due to the fact that there were so many other people I expected to go before my dad...

edit:
ninja'd like fuc

ahh, that feeling of loneliness when someone significant is gone...I know that feeling.

at least you have some people here for you. your posts are **** sometimes but really i'm extremely empathetic with people in your situation. we're here man

Thanks bro. And yeah... It takes a lot of effort to actually sit here and try and post something worth contributing to a forum full of shit. It drags me down to its level way more often than I should let it. Trying to improve is about all I can do.

I really need to add this to my siggy again as a self reminder: "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

All I can say to that is: gg FFR Forums... gg...

Same **** happened to me when my grandfather died. I didn't feel anything when I first heard about him passing away, but then about 2 weeks later what's happening to you kind of happened to me.

It was a continuous state of depression and anger for the first two weeks for me... 3 months later it's hitting me again. And I want to kill people. Not out of blind anger. For good cause, but I'm not gonna get into those circumstances right now... I might act stupidly if I dwell.

[MrRubix]

Re: Wow

I had a pretty rough time a few years ago, and it's still somewhat rough... my father passed away, had two failed relationships, missed my friends back home greatly, had a ton of work to do, a lot of expenses to pay, and my family back home was totally fragmented, etc.

The feeling of loss can be great -- but if there's any advice I can give you about your situation, it's to try to understand the bigger picture. Death can strike any person at any moment, and it's not just a cliche platitude or something. We really don't have a whole lot of time to live, and so sometimes, even in the face of intense loss, death, suffering, depression, and pain, it can be enlightening and calming to really appreciate life for all that it has to offer.

Keeping focused on a project/something to work on, or acquiring new hobbies/skills can do wonders. Even going to the gym regularly gets rid of those feelings (endorphins <3) and keeps you in shape anyway... win-win all around. Simple things are often enough to keep you happy.

What I'm trying to say is that the feeling of loss can be offset by generating gains... sometimes understanding why you feel the way you do when you lose something makes it easier to focus on what matters and what you need to build upon to be happy in an otherwise dire situation.

Sorry if this is too "fluffy bull**** advicey" of a reply, but this kind of logic is what's kept me running for the past five years or so. It'll definitely get better... just weather the rough times and keep your friends close.

[Flaming_Dingleberry]

Re: Wow

I used to be totally heartless, I didn't think I'd cry if my mom died, and if it had happened at the time I felt that way... I probably wouldn't have.

NOW HOWEVER, I don't really know how I would react if one of my grandparents died, and I might not want to know yet, but I'm sure it'll involve some tears.

I deal A LOT with perspective, I've put myself into the perspective of someone in your situation so many times. I've felt that feeling of "I can never have a conversation with him... ever." "I'm never going to see him... ever." Just all these things you thought would be obvious, but then it happens, and you keep having this deja vu that "oh yeah, he isn't a person anymore, he's stopped living."

Okay, feel better time:
I was on the computer in my mom's room one morning, and my brother was taking a shower. My brother had recently broken up with a bipolar nutjob, and was taking it alright... so we thought. He had come home late and gone straight to bed. That night, while he was gone, my dad had found my sister's cat, Wuzzy, dead. His head had been run over, we buried him. My sister cried, but seemed okay that morning. My mom and I hear my brother crying in the bathroom, and my sister walks into my mom's room and says she told him Wuzzy was dead. My mom rushed into the bathroom to console him, but he's pretty beaten up about it. He asked her why she didn't tell him that night, and she told him she didn't want to wake him. He asked her how he died, and she told him a car ran over his head. He's just sitting there naked and bawling his eyes out as this unfolds, and my mom is thinking her son is going to need therapy over this little cat. He asked her what they were going to tell grandma, and she told him that grandma didn't really know him very well. He asked her what happened to the body, and she told him they buried him in the backyard. He asks her, "....... What are you talking about?" She looks at him and asks, "What are you talking about?" My brother thought my sister said "Wesley died." That's me.

[xealix]

Re: Wow

I guess i could say i also lost my father a long time ago.. though not in the same way. He just kinda left us. I still have enough memories that it hurts enough sometimes to make me cry.. I mean the realization that he just up and left my family and never talks anymore. Its got to be almost as painful as truly losing a family member. I don't fully know your pain yet, but as a fellow ffr member i can say that you have my support.

[-zeroSKILL-]

Re: Wow

I had a pretty rough time a few years ago, and it's still somewhat rough... my father passed away, had two failed relationships, missed my friends back home greatly, had a ton of work to do, a lot of expenses to pay, and my family back home was totally fragmented, etc.

The feeling of loss can be great -- but if there's any advice I can give you about your situation, it's to try to understand the bigger picture. Death can strike any person at any moment, and it's not just a cliche platitude or something. We really don't have a whole lot of time to live, and so sometimes, even in the face of intense loss, death, suffering, depression, and pain, it can be enlightening and calming to really appreciate life for all that it has to offer.

Keeping focused on a project/something to work on, or acquiring new hobbies/skills can do wonders. Even going to the gym regularly gets rid of those feelings (endorphins <3) and keeps you in shape anyway... win-win all around. Simple things are often enough to keep you happy.

What I'm trying to say is that the feeling of loss can be offset by generating gains... sometimes understanding why you feel the way you do when you lose something makes it easier to focus on what matters and what you need to build upon to be happy in an otherwise dire situation.

Sorry if this is too "fluffy bull**** advicey" of a reply, but this kind of logic is what's kept me running for the past five years or so. It'll definitely get better... just weather the rough times and keep your friends close.

Holy crap, Marcus, that was essentially what I was having a hard time telling myself. I hate it when any kind of emotion can grab me with such force I can no longer think rationally. About all I can do is recognize those moments and go to friends for support. But that post just conveyed to me, in 1 minute, what it would have taken anyone I know personally to get through to me in 30 minutes.

Thanks for giving me some peace of mind. I'm off to go study for a Pharmacology exam now .

PS
Last thing I ever told my dad was that I was looking into becoming a Pharmacist. I took it as a sign, and a hardcore motivator to do something worthwhile with my life. Not one month after he passed away and I had quit my job of almost two years, moved back down with the family, and was going to school to achieve said goal.

[-zeroSKILL-]

Re: Wow

Wesley, second part of your post was lol. Thanks for sharing that .

I guess i could say i also lost my father a long time ago.. though not in the same way. He just kinda left us. I still have enough memories that it hurts enough sometimes to make me cry.. I mean the realization that he just up and left my family and never talks anymore. Its got to be almost as painful as truly losing a family member. I don't fully know your pain yet, but as a fellow ffr member i can say that you have my support.

and xealix... I wish I could offer some kind of support for something like this :/...

My dad was never around as I was growing up. When I was born he was in Iraq, during Operation: Desert Storm, when he came back he came back into his old habits of drug and alcohol abuse and some of my first memories of him are clouded and blurred by a whirlwind of mixed feelings and emotions. My parents relationship inevitably crumbled and he left us when I was about 6. We lost our house and many other things. I don't know what happened to him for a long time period, but he came back into my life as an extremely violent person when he was allowed to visit us in my mothers home (non supervised visits, but still court ordered to one visit a month I think). When I was about 11 he left... for about 5 years. He had been to jail and gone through rehab in this time, and he FINALLY made a somewhat permanent appearance in my life 2 years before I moved out. Those two years are the best memories I have of him. The rest was a mindfukk of complicated relationship problems I was brought into this world having no control over, resulting in many nights I cried myself to sleep wondering why my dad wasn't allowed to be with me.

In short, I know how it feels to have someone leave unexpectedly on you (many times over) and now I also know what it feels like to lose that same person forever.

All I can say from experience is that neither is easier to handle than the other. They both hurt like hell, I know. Maturity plays a big role in how you handle it though. I'm happy I'm beyond the point where I'd go to bed and lie there until until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion because of crying... God those were not happy days.

[xealix]

Re: Wow

Wesley, second part of your post was lol. Thanks for sharing that .
and xealix... I wish I could offer some kind of support for something like this :/...

My dad was never around as I was growing up. When I was born he was in Iraq, during Operation: Desert Storm, when he came back he came back into his old habits of drug and alcohol abuse and some of my first memories of him are clouded and blurred by a whirlwind of mixed feelings and emotions. My parents relationship inevitably crumbled and he left us when I was about 6. We lost our house and many other things. I don't know what happened to him for a long time period, but he came back into my life as an extremely violent person when he was allowed to visit us in my mothers home (non supervised visits, but still court ordered to one visit a month I think). When I was about 11 he left... for about 5 years. He had been to jail and gone through rehab in this time, and he FINALLY made a somewhat permanent appearance in my life 2 years before I moved out. Those two years are the best memories I have of him. The rest was a mindfukk of complicated relationship problems I was brought into this world having no control over, resulting in many nights I cried myself to sleep wondering why my dad wasn't allowed to be with me.

In short, I know how it feels to have someone leave unexpectedly on you (many times over) and now I also know what it feels like to lose that same person forever.

All I can say from experience is that neither is easier to handle than the other. They both hurt like hell, I know. Maturity plays a big role in how you handle it though. I'm happy I'm beyond the point where I'd go to bed and lie there until until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion because of crying... God those were not happy days.

Yeah i remember those nights where i would cry myself to sleep. I would say it's been about 2 or 3 years since i have had any real contact with my father. He and my mom divorced when i was very young 2 or 3 and i still have memories of him even from back then. He was active in my life when i was young but as i got older he drifted away, and even made other families and started trying to lower child support. He has taken my mom to court several times for this and had even tried to contact me via myspace just to say he was sorry. he couldn't even call or come do it in person. All i know is that he lives somewhere in Illinois..

Honestly I've gotten over all his lies, and promises.(most of which he broke because they were about coming to see me and my brother) still the realization that i have lost a father who is still out there somewhere is so tough to take at times.. people say he cares about us but how can i believe what i haven't seen from him in years. I figure it probably is as bad as losing your father for real.. Im here for you in that regard Zero. Even if we did just meet through some website, and don't really know each other to well.

Id say honestly the best memories i have are of me playing castlevania with him on sega when he and my mom were still together.. and that was a long time ago. I wish i had more good ones, but sadly i dont..

[Flaming_Dingleberry]

Re: Wow

If my parents would play video games with me, I would cry so much more after their death.

lol

[xealix]

Re: Wow

If my parents would play video games with me, I would cry so much more after their death.

lol

yeah it's to bad my mom doesn't play games and my dad left me.. I have tried to get my mom into games it never works.

[LunaFFR]

Re: Wow

Sorry to hear that I know you don't know me...and I don't know you, but if you need anyone to just stfu and listen to your problems I'm here (:
I haven't ever been in the same posistion you've been in..my grandparents died when i was too little to understand..:/
Anyway, it looks like a lot of people are here for you so I think you posted in the right place (: