My apology

[BeatMania Rotate Mod]

To the FFR Community -

This is a formal apology for how i behaved regarding FFRMania and then leaving.

I'm sorry about what i did. I had no right to remove it. The other guys worked just as hard as i did on the project and i have felt horrible about what i did the moment after it was deleted. I had also removed the other engine because it wasn't even close to as good as FFRMania was. Apparently PrawnSkunk made a post to that second engine as a backup and i had no idea and had deleted it. I felt even worse at that point, I didn't think it was even remembered that the engine existed.

I blame myself for what had happened. In all of it's entirety. I was a complete and utter selfish asshole, to say the least. I know a lot of people don't like me one bit and that's okay, i don't need you to like me .. I just want to say i'm sorry.

Back when i was dating Lexi, I was smoking LOTS of Synthetic weed called Green Lantern and also tried a variety of others such as Tropic Thunder and Blueberry Blast. Big mistake. I was taking bong hit after bong hit everyday, usually 5-10 minute intervals between each one until my bag was empty. I would then stock up again and repeat it. I started acting differently and was asked many times if i was okay, my fucking world was warping and there had been times where i was tripping so hard i threw my headset off and curled up into a ball.

This eventually got way out of control and i ended up having severe panic attacks, heart racing, sweating, chest pain and i was so fucked up on the stuff that i believed i was dying. That stuff ruined me. I'm glad it was banned in my country. I now have permanent anxiety from it and extreme mood swings that i can't control. Putting it lightly, When i deleted FFRMania .. I was NOT myself, though i take full responsibility and am sorry for all the bullshit it had caused.

I've been on Antidepressants for 2 months now, I've made a doctors appointment though to change meds because this stuff seems to be making me worse. I'm mentally crippled and i can only control so much of it.

Anyway, I'm sorry for what had happened. I don't expect to be accepted back into the community, I just really wanted to say that i'm sorry. Not because i'm feeling guilty, but because i really am sorry. I wanted to post this sooner, I just didn't have the words.

Tarrik -

[Izzy]

Re: My apology

What the heck is ffrmania.

[m0de]

Re: My apology

When i deleted FFRMania .. I was NOT myself, though i take full responsibility and am sorry for all the bullshit it had caused.

You still had to know exactly what you were doing.. I highly doubt that deleting it was because you were on synthetic weed.

That being said, I've known you for a pretty long time, and I have known about the depression you are going through long before this event. I really do hope you can get your depression under control. I consider you a good ffr friend, even after the ffrmania incident. Keep your head up, and PM/Skype/Facebook me if you ever need someone to talk to my friend.

[iCeCuBEz v2]

Re: My apology

help im a synthetic weed addict

welp

gl with getting meds that work thats a bitch

[Xiz]

Re: My apology

You know an apology is a perfect first step. Gained a bit of respect for ya. Best of luck.

[BeatMania Rotate Mod]

Re: My apology

You still had to know exactly what you were doing.. I highly doubt that deleting it was because you were on synthetic weed.

That being said, I've known you for a pretty long time, and I have known about the depression you are going through long before this event. I really do hope you can get your depression under control. I consider you a good ffr friend, even after the ffrmania incident. Keep your head up, and PM/Skype/Facebook me if you ever need someone to talk to my friend.

Quite honestly, I don't remember what mood i was in exactly but i felt like i wasn't in control of myself. It happens more often than i like to admit and it honest to god scares the hell out of me. Either way, I deleted it and i'm the one to blame. I also don't deserve a friend as good as you. Thank you.

[choof]

Re: My apology

how many times have you done this before

[BeatMania Rotate Mod]

Re: My apology

how many times have you done this before

Kind of irrelevant. Those were completely my decision and this was something i had no power to take away. I regret doing it. I'm glad my other engines failed because if they didn't, then i wouldn't have thought of FFRMania and have the project worked on with the guys. I regret it, I've said sorry. It's the purpose of this thread.

If Prawn and Foxfire wouldn't mind, I'd like to reupload the packs i had done myself. They can feel free to PM me about it.

[Cavernio]

Re: My apology

What the heck is ffrmania.

indeed

[TC_Halogen]

Re: My apology

It's a custom R^3 engine playlist that a lot of people play because it features a ton of StepMania files. People use it to train for harder files on FFR.

[dAnceguy117]

Re: My apology

the bad news is that trust from others can be difficult to regain. the good news is that your actions didn't affect anything too important; it's just a game.

hope to hear that you're doing well going forward.

[moches]

Re: My apology

You still had to know exactly what you were doing.. I highly doubt that deleting it was because you were on synthetic weed.

That being said, I've known you for a pretty long time, and I have known about the depression you are going through long before this event. I really do hope you can get your depression under control. I consider you a good ffr friend, even after the ffrmania incident. Keep your head up, and PM/Skype/Facebook me if you ever need someone to talk to my friend.

I don't know the specifics of what happened here, nor did I ever play FFRmania, but it seems like that issue is tangential to your personal issues. Your mental health is more valuable than anything else, and I hope you find the help you need. You're not alone in this.

[Alioth]

Re: My apology

To the FFR Community -

This is a formal apology for how i behaved regarding FFRMania and then leaving.

I'm sorry about what i did. I had no right to remove it. The other guys worked just as hard as i did on the project and i have felt horrible about what i did the moment after it was deleted. I had also removed the other engine because it wasn't even close to as good as FFRMania was. Apparently PrawnSkunk made a post to that second engine as a backup and i had no idea and had deleted it. I felt even worse at that point, I didn't think it was even remembered that the engine existed.

I blame myself for what had happened. In all of it's entirety. I was a complete and utter selfish asshole, to say the least. I know a lot of people don't like me one bit and that's okay, i don't need you to like me .. I just want to say i'm sorry.

Back when i was dating Lexi, I was smoking LOTS of Synthetic weed called Green Lantern and also tried a variety of others such as Tropic Thunder and Blueberry Blast. Big mistake. I was taking bong hit after bong hit everyday, usually 5-10 minute intervals between each one until my bag was empty. I would then stock up again and repeat it. I started acting differently and was asked many times if i was okay, my fucking world was warping and there had been times where i was tripping so hard i threw my headset off and curled up into a ball.

This eventually got way out of control and i ended up having severe panic attacks, heart racing, sweating, chest pain and i was so fucked up on the stuff that i believed i was dying. That stuff ruined me. I'm glad it was banned in my country. I now have permanent anxiety from it and extreme mood swings that i can't control. Putting it lightly, When i deleted FFRMania .. I was NOT myself, though i take full responsibility and am sorry for all the bullshit it had caused.

I've been on Antidepressants for 2 months now, I've made a doctors appointment though to change meds because this stuff seems to be making me worse. I'm mentally crippled and i can only control so much of it.

Anyway, I'm sorry for what had happened. I don't expect to be accepted back into the community, I just really wanted to say that i'm sorry. Not because i'm feeling guilty, but because i really am sorry. I wanted to post this sooner, I just didn't have the words.

Tarrik -

To be honest, you sound a lot like how I used to be with my personal quarrels in life...well, except for the synthetic weed part. Everyone makes mistakes in life, heck...I made tons of mistakes when half of my medication was flawed. Meds can play a huge impact on you neurologically, especially if you are on a bad one, but you shouldn't blame yourself fully if this is the case.

If anything, it sounds like you may just need a break of some sorts. The community on FFR does not hold grudges (from what I've observed), so I'm sure that this will all blow over given time. However, if I were you, I'd get a full mental diagnosis of what you may or may not have so that way you know which path to successfully take. Plus...try to find a good Psychologist because that can definitely help get you in the right direction. Next part is going to be my personal experience with my actions.

I have a form of Autism (ASD - Non specified), ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and OCD, but I just consider myself unique considering that I do not like to label myself ever. I never did, but you know...labels were necessary to get the right medication. I was on stimulants for most of my life, which I know from personal experience can deteriorate your way of thinking, rushing your thoughts. It's like...not good for you if you have depression, and it is mainly used to gain focus. Nothing special, but anyhow...because of that I used to pick a lot of fights with people on a lot of forums. I was sort of a spitfire in that case, but a very dumb one. I'm not going to say who I fought with, but the result always made me emotional and sad in the end.

In '08 I made a leave from here because of my attitude and things haven't really improved on my part as far as my grudges went. It wasn't until the Fall of 2012 that I stopped giving a fuck about what people thought about me. It was mainly because I was at peace with myself, and that I accepted with the conditions I was born with. To top it all off...I acknowledged that I am gay, and that it's my way of living happily in this life.

Moral is that everyone does good and bad things all the time, but your reaction can change the wavelength of these events. Like...for instance, never apologize on a huge site since it's more than likely that not too many people will get where you are coming from. If you have to apologize to anyone, make it private or do so on their profiles and whatever you do...don't make yourself sound like a crybaby. Acknowledge your wrongdoings and give the other person time to decide. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you are happy with it.

Good luck Tarrik and I do hope that I helped a bit. If you need to ask me anything or just to talk, PM me...I don't bite

[choof]

Re: My apology

Kind of irrelevant. Those were completely my decision and this was something i had no power to take away. I regret doing it. I'm glad my other engines failed because if they didn't, then i wouldn't have thought of FFRMania and have the project worked on with the guys. I regret it, I've said sorry. It's the purpose of this thread.

If Prawn and Foxfire wouldn't mind, I'd like to reupload the packs i had done myself. They can feel free to PM me about it.

i'd say it's more relevant than you think. how can we trust that you'll keep up an engine when you've done this multiple times? how many times did the first tarrik engine get messed with/taken down because of overreacting?

you need to take.a chill pill, stay away from the internet to get your shit straight, and then come back when you're less emotional.

[BeatMania Rotate Mod]

Re: My apology

Post

Thanks, that was quite a read. I'm definitely looking at my options for help. I want to make sure i get this right.

i'd say it's more relevant than you think. how can we trust that you'll keep up an engine when you've done this multiple times? how many times did the first tarrik engine get messed with/taken down because of overreacting?

you need to take.a chill pill, stay away from the internet to get your shit straight, and then come back when you're less emotional.

You don't have to trust me to do anything with the engine, If i upload the packs, the files and xml will be a .rar and i'll link them to one of the guys. I'm not going to have access at all.

I think it's a little too far as to say to stay away from the internet in its entirety, but i was away from here for a month and only played the game from time to time. I can't just magically fix myself, I've been getting worse for over a year now. I'm working on it as hard as i can.