"War and Peace"

[Sol_Solis]

My latest poem:

Your cheeks still look
sinking, and your skin
is stretched so tightly on
your face, that I can see the detail
in your bones underneath. Or maybe
it is just my mind, messing
with the sight, because your
blue eyes are slowly killing me
and your dark form, receding
against the trees and rubble
is devouring me whole.
They named you peace,
but I name you war,
because you are the war inside me,
slowly tearing me into pieces.
I know I cannot see you there
as you are, because in some way
my expectations adjust the image
to what I want to see...

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: "War and Peace"

You lines are broken up randomly. There's no flow whatsoever. You're not really saying anything. You're just scribbling some abstract thoughts that don't mean anything to anyone beyond yourself. You need to try to connect with your reader more. Because of this disconnect and the uninspired vocabulary, nothing in here really evokes any sort of feeling out of me.

Oh and Tolstoy might take issue with your title.

[Sol_Solis]

Re: "War and Peace"

You lines are broken up randomly. There's no flow whatsoever. You're not really saying anything. You're just scribbling some abstract thoughts that don't mean anything to anyone beyond yourself. You need to try to connect with your reader more. Because of this disconnect and the uninspired vocabulary, nothing in here really evokes any sort of feeling out of me.

Oh and Tolstoy might take issue with your title.

It isn't random, I decided for flavor reasons (consciously) I make the decision based on what I want to evoke. Wrong, they're not all abstract. There is "skin" and "sinking". Wrong, it is inspired by the unknown. That is okay, I did not want to make the reader feel anything. I want them to focus on it objectively, but defy their expectations at the same time. It is quite simple, and intentional. Maybe the result isn't the best, well-thought-out, wonderful, amazing mess it should be, but I'm okay with that. Thank you for your thoughts. I put no flow on purpose.
I don't want anything typical, I tried for something different and I used every quality of a poem to express my ideas.
The way some people write, all their poems are alike - even if they're well-written, it just takes away if you force poems into a single spectrum of what makes it good. I can do without flow, without cadence or rythm - even if it comes down to sacrificing these things to express something that wouldn't mix like oil and water two concepts or ideas or themes. Which is my reason here.

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: "War and Peace"

You don't understand what I'm saying. That's fine if you want to do free verse, but when your line breaks don't add anything it just makes reading it cumbersome. And you misunderstand what I meant by abstract. You have concrete images but when you don't complete your metaphors they don't mean anything and remain abstract.

And you say you don't want to be typical, but everything about this poem screams typical teenage angst. I had to start over multiple times because in my head your words kept degenerating into "blah blah blah..."

[Sol_Solis]

Re: "War and Peace"

You don't understand what I'm saying. That's fine if you want to do free verse, but when your line breaks don't add anything it just makes reading it cumbersome. And you misunderstand what I meant by abstract. You have concrete images but when you don't complete your metaphors they don't mean anything and remain abstract.

And you say you don't want to be typical, but everything about this poem screams typical teenage angst. I had to start over multiple times because in my head your words kept degenerating into "blah blah blah..."

You really need to point out exactly what you're saying in clear words. I might not understand, because you don't explain it very well with any quotes showing exactly what you're talking about.

[NFD]

Re: "War and Peace"

He's saying that it looks like this would be one big paragraph, but you put random spacing.

Here's your quote.

Your cheeks still look sinking, and your skin is stretched so tightly on your face, that I can see the detail in your bones underneath. O maybe it is just my mind, messing with the sight, because your blue eyes are slowly killing me and your dark form, receding against the trees and rubble is devouring me whole. They named you peace, but I name you war, because you are the war inside me, slowly tearing me into pieces. I know I cannot see you there as you are, because in some way my expectations adjust the image to what I want to see...

[virus003]

Re: "War and Peace"

aren't poems supposed to rhyme

[Sol_Solis]

Re: "War and Peace"

aren't poems supposed to rhyme

Umm...to my knowledge, no.

[fido123]

Re: "War and Peace"

Being honest, nothing personal, it's pretty bad in general. Try looking up some online tutorials. If you're determined I'm sure you'll be a lot better in no time.

[Sol_Solis]

Re: "War and Peace"

Being honest, nothing personal, it's pretty bad in general. Try looking up some online tutorials. If you're determined I'm sure you'll be a lot better in no time.

I've also gotten positive feedback. Crazy indeed, but I'll take it to heart.

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: "War and Peace"

I thought I was pretty clear. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I didn't use quotes because it applied to the whole poem. I could go into detail about each line but I wanted to focus on the poem in general. I basically meant what NFD said, but I was being nicer about it.

EDIT: By the way, when you post here, expect to get criticism. The above posters could be a little more constructive but you shouldn't get so defensive.

[Sol_Solis]

Re: "War and Peace"

Maybe, this poem is a tad personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it at all. I'd probably have a heart attack if you went any more critical. I also don't think it is right to share things so personal for no good reason... I just like writing poetry though.
Basically everyone's message all around are failing to provide sufficient criticism. Shall I explain? Ok, why not. You're not being specific enough, not offering valid suggestions to improve the poem (invalid responses like start over or throw it away do not apply - it is called constructive criticism) or citing other poems that show successful usage of similar language. You're not pointing out the flaws, not sharing your personal interpretation but posting as it as an "objective"-opinion (absurd). I could go on, but everyone is endowed with their own personal creativity and imagination - so you do the work. I could go on for hours.