Remembering

[Kieliko]

By: Kieliko

I remember the day when I was a memory
The one you get when something is gone
The image placed in sight forever
Yes, I remember
The day the world grew dim
The thought of what people would do grew thin
The hope of knowing tomorrow ended with a single breath
Hoping, praying, wishing, waiting
Patience dulling like a knife
All the people that cared I leave my love
All the people that admire I send my hugs
All the people that never knew I existed I sent you my prayers
I’ll watch from far as everyone goes about their normal lives
Living as if it never happened
I remember the day when I was a memory
The one you get when something is gone
The image placed in sight forever
Yes I too have a memory
The memory when the earth became dark
The bodies of people crowed about
The voices of screams and the smell of bombs
The sadness of faces slowly blurring to white…. Then black
The slowing of one heartbeat and the start of millions
The stopping…..
Yes I will remember

Is there anything that I can improve on?

[rajdaddy]

Re: Remembering

Use big words, be original, and don't not make sense for the sake of rhyming, this just sounds like a generic teen angst poem, and there's millions of em.

Not trying to be mean or anything, just giving you constructive criticism, so don't take it up the butt kay?

[customstuff]

Re: Remembering

Really good. I don't know how you could improve this!

[Kieliko]

Re: Remembering

Rajdaddy, Its ok i asked for it there is not sense in taking it in the butt. Criticism is good it shows where i need to improve on. But i try to stay away from rhyming because it seems too babish. Big words eh?.... hmmm.. I trying using them and see how it all pans out. Thanks for the criticism so far, you have just given me some new ideas :P

[Emo_Saur_]

Re: Remembering

Is this about troops or war?