"Lessons"

[Aduro_Animus]

I've been so down all day,
Mostly because I'm finally being honest with myself.
Everything I've held onto is simply falling away.
I must have made a wrong turn somewhere,
I must have made an irreparable mistake.

I'm not letting my hopes get up this time,
I'm leaving them down for the count, this is what matters.
It used to be that my hopes would soar at the drop of a dime,
But I'm older now, with more years to back me up,
And wiser too, with more lessons learned in life rather than classes.

I'm going to let my life run its course,
I will give no hindrance nor false hope.
If it's meant to be, then it will be, there is no sense in force.
So no more hopes, I will not permit myself to dream.
I am not the same fool I was before.

[sujishishou]

Re: "Lessons"

very nice.
very deep.

[d1skr33t]

Re: "Lessons"

Wow this is quite good, surprising that this is only your first post. I agree with sujishishou it seems very deep.
I hope you will continue to post your work for us all to enjoy. Good job

[beaner692]

Re: "Lessons"

wow that was good man

[Aduro_Animus]

Re: "Lessons"

Thank you for the support so far, guys. I should have another one coming up soon. :]

[Wintergreen]

Re: "Lessons"

Because poetry is the most concentrated form of writing, every single word, every syllable is important. This poem has a very strong voice, and I think this quality is greatly lowered by your use of stock phrases such as 'hopes get up', 'down for the count', and 'drop of a dime'.

[FalcoLombardi]

Re: "Lessons"

nice, you deserve the kudos

[Rhapsodic Truth]

Re: "Lessons"

Because poetry is the most concentrated form of writing, every single word, every syllable is important. This poem has a very strong voice, and I think this quality is greatly lowered by your use of stock phrases such as 'hopes get up', 'down for the count', and 'drop of a dime'.

I have to agree.
Though written considerably well, there are parts where it seems like you are trying to use an exact rhyme on the first and third line, then a lazy on the fifth line, which is lost in the second stanza after "time... dime... classes."

Good work.

[sushigrlOOk]

Re: "Lessons"

You Made This? Wow,Sweet x]

[Aduro_Animus]

Re: "Lessons"

The rhyme scheme was ABACD. There were no attempts to rhyme the fifth line with anything. I am sure we can all agree that one of the most difficult parts of writing poems is finding a rhyme that absolutely fits the entire poem together. I am no exception to this and I find that in a lot of my poems I get frustrated by the lack of rhymes I can find for the certain words I pick. Also, I am sure my least favorite part of writing poems is writing the endings, but I do not think I had that much difficulty ending this poem.

Thank you for all the feedback.

[Wintergreen]

Re: "Lessons"

I thought the ending was the best part. The rest felt like it was just working it's way there.

I suggest using a rhyming dictionary if you have trouble. Just type in rhyming dictionary on Google and try one.

[GuidoHunter]

Re: "Lessons"

Good. I like it.

Second stanza is by far the biggest weak point, though. Mainly because of the cliche phrases that Wintergreen already pointed out. The grammar got to me in the second line with the comma splice, too.

Also, the last line of that stanza is really nice, but the way you have it written is more of a prose style. I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of a suggestion, but it could be more poetically written. At the very least, add the word "taken" to the end, as the emphasis is misplaced and it seems unclear.

That is, the way it currently reads implies "with more lessons learned than classes learned". You clearly don't mean that, but for the sake of clarity and parallelism, you really need the "taken" in there so that you have the [noun][adjective] structure for each part. Also, you're trying to emphasize the learning over mere attendance, but the way it's written, you have "learning" over... what? "classes"? Apples and oranges, there. But if you add in "taken", your intention is conveyed as you want it.

I still think that it could be reworded better, but it'd also be sufficient as is if you add "taken" to the end of that line.

--Guido

http://andy.mikee385.com

[Wintergreen]

Re: "Lessons"

Good. I like it.

Second stanza is by far the biggest weak point, though. Mainly because of the cliche phrases that Wintergreen already pointed out. The grammar got to me in the second line with the comma splice, too.

Also, the last line of that stanza is really nice, but the way you have it written is more of a prose style. I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of a suggestion, but it could be more poetically written. At the very least, add the word "taken" to the end, as the emphasis is misplaced and it seems unclear.

That is, the way it currently reads implies "with more lessons learned than classes learned". You clearly don't mean that, but for the sake of clarity and parallelism, you really need the "taken" in there so that you have the [noun][adjective] structure for each part. Also, you're trying to emphasize the learning over mere attendance, but the way it's written, you have "learning" over... what? "classes"? Apples and oranges, there. But if you add in "taken", your intention is conveyed as you want it.

I still think that it could be reworded better, but it'd also be sufficient as is if you add "taken" to the end of that line.

--Guido

http://andy.mikee385.com

That line is already the longest one in the poem, whereas the last lines of the other stanzas are the shortest ones (other than the first lines). For the sake of parallelism, I sincerely hope he doesn't just add 'taken'. His syntax is already sloppy, and aesthetics are important too.

[Aduro_Animus]

Re: "Lessons"

For starters, I am a female, but that's relatively unimportant.

Secondly, I don't strive for perfection in my poetry simply because, if I do, it doesn't feel like it's my work anymore.

I posted another poem, which I believe many of you have probably read. I have more faith in that specific piece than this one simply because a lot more thought went into it.

[Wintergreen]

Re: "Lessons"

For starters, I am a female, but that's relatively unimportant.

Secondly, I don't strive for perfection in my poetry simply because, if I do, it doesn't feel like it's my work anymore.

I posted another poem, which I believe many of you have probably read. I have more faith in that specific piece than this one simply because a lot more thought went into it.

Lol, sorry; I'm a female too.

If you don't care about the quality of your work, then no one else will care enough to give you feedback. I know I at least am not going to waste anymore reviews on you. See ya!

(Besides, thought has no direct correlation with quality. Editing does.)