A sample of what I'm working on now.

[Wayward Vagabond]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

over 3000 words. that is too many words. that is a lot of words

[YoshL]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

just kinda scanning through, There seems to be (at least to me) a bunch of tense issues, where you kinda flit between tenses.

another thing is, (i think) you're trying to paint a vivid scene and what doesn't help with that is when you write "Ken [this]", "Ken [that]", and even similar sentences starting with subjects for the most part. it makes it seem a bit choppy, and when something like the topic that you're writing about is in consideration, (i personally think that) you might want to add flow? idk how to describe.

also, small word choice things e.g. "silently lay amongst each other on the rooftop"
you probably would be better off using something like beside, because amongst i think tends to imply that one is with a group of people/things.
another example: "her fingers entwined over top of her chest", where maybe interlaced might serve as a better word? idk i feel like between interlaced and entwined, interlaced sounds a bit more elegant, and suiting to the tone of the piece

anyways, just kinda scaned through and stuff

[Arch0wl]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

over 3000 words. that is too many words. that is a lot of words

2,000 - 3,500 is the standard length of a chapter, actually.

a full novel has, usually, between 40,000 - 70,000 words; which is to say, 40,000 would be small for a novel.

it seems so huge because it's in the context of a forum where you're used to reading snippets of information

[infinity.]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

2,000 - 3,500 is the standard length of a chapter, actually.

a full novel has, usually, between 40,000 - 70,000 words; which is to say, 40,000 would be small for a novel.

it seems so huge because it's in the context of a forum where you're used to reading snippets of information

70,000 would be a pretty short novel too wtf

[rushyrulz]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

[spoiler=huge ass wall of text]<insert huge ass wall of text here.>[/spoiler]

btw, chapter title is way too wordy, that's all the further I made it (mainly cuz I'm short on time, not because I think ur bad)

[MarioNintendo]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.



I called it way back when. That is all, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cavernio]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

The chapter's called 'Beneath the Light pollution of this city' and I find it odd that you make no reference to the fact that light pollution makes us not see stars so well, especially in a busy city where police sirens might be heard often, since, ya know, they're stargazing for awhile. Maybe 'above' instead of beneath would make more sense.

Feels like it needs editing. Nothing wrong really, just reads a little cludgy or too wordy in non-dialog places. Nothing I'd worry about if the rest of the story isn't written.

[Cavernio]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

Actually, the jumping from seeing silhouettes to seeing her face clearly makes me wonder if the lighting is changing and if that's related to the verb tense changes that I didn't notice at all.

[Wayward Vagabond]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

alright now that im out of school i will read this.

[Fission]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

a suggestion:

try posting these on http://www.booksie.com/ and putting links to them here. it's better suited for this kind of thing then forum posts are. it's a good way to get more exposure and potentially feedback as well.

[Mrowmrew]

Re: A sample of what I'm working on now.

Well written, but ew, cooties.