Friendship

[banditcom]

Let me ask you guys what you do in these situations...

A friend needs help. They are in love, but can't be with this person because of things they can't control like distance and the other person liking someone they can see everyday. No matter what, if they keep sticking through this, the path and result will not be pretty.

The path will continue to be hell. Constant ups and downs. When they are together and/or talking, everything is perfect. When they aren't, your friend is in constant pain: crying, imagining, wondering, missing. This causes everyone that cares about this person to suffer, knowing they need to get out of this situation, knowing the end result, and knowing that their friendship with them is suffering.

The end result comes abrupty to your friend. The other person has finally ended it, hopefully it's for good this time, and not like the many other times before in which they continued to still give your friend even the tiniest bit of hope, to which they hung on to so desperately. Now, you have a broken friend that learned their lesson the hard way. Not only did your friend suffer, but they most likely lost the person they were in love with for good; not even a friendship remaining.

What do you do before this happens? Do you tell them the cold, hard truth and stick by what you say? Do you give them their demands of a friend to stick by and be there for them? Do you let them go freely to find out the hard way by themselves?

-The first risks your friendship. You could easily lose your friend in this situation.

-The second keeps your friend, but you're really not a friend for accepting something like this.

-The third gives up your friendship that you had until it ends. You generally talk here and there, but nothing really personal. Your friendship may not be the same.


What do you do?

The third is something a friend did with me. The first is something I just did for a friend now...

[dunlop]

Re: Friendship

It really depends on if this is your friends first real relationship. If it is then I would try giving them more advice. Yes, it might be good for your friend to find out on their own, but I think it would be better for them to avoid the pain. If they have already been in a relationship like this then I would not feel as sorry for them, if it was their first relationship. I would still give them my two cents, but I would not say much more.

If you're certain that their relationship will end badly then, I would at least try to tell them the possible outcomes in the long run.

[Tasselfoot]

Re: Friendship

The general terms in which you described the whole scenario hurt my head.

There is no right answer. People in love will always do what they want, no matter what advice their friends give. Generally, this is to keep themselves attached to whatever string of hope there may be in the relationship, until it ends badly. Which is does.

Again... there is no right answer. Every one of those is wrong. The best you can do is the give them a combination of 1 and 3. Tell them your opinions but also support their decisions.

[banditcom]

Re: Friendship

I know there is no right or wrong answer.... It's a mix of things and yeah.... It's life.....

Oh, uhh dunlop, it never really got off the ground. But it's sort of a first, I guess?

[mattyohh]

Re: Friendship

Don't let them drink their problems away like my friend did. She's too stupid to understand what could happen.

[TheRapingDragon]

Re: Friendship

Touch choice but I've been through it, I "loved" a girl who was with someone else, we were best friends but she kept stringing me along making me think things were possible, it killed me, and the same stuff like them "breaking up" and all that. Somehow I feel the girl knows, and so she says stuff like that to keep you going because they like the power.

It eventually stopped when I found my girlfriend, released what actual love is, then released I was merely infatuated with the previous girl who I could never have. I lost my friendship with her and everything we ever had even as friends, but believe me when I say I'm better for it.

Long story short, let the guy get on with it and continue to be a friend to him, tell him you'll be there for him and let things take course, eventually he should find someone else, move on, and he'll thank you for sticking with him through that troublesome time. That way you won't lose your friend, but nor will you have to feel bad because you are still being there for the guy, it's not like you are mocking or deserting him.

[FishFishRevolution]

Re: Friendship

What Tass said is about what I've found to be true. I've had friends in similar situations who I carefully and calmly advised. They listened to my concerns, but took none of my advice. It's always worth it to tell the person though, the harsh bitter reality. If they're really your friend, they'll understand.

[Kefit]

Re: Friendship

I have a policy of being brutally honest with those I care about. Doing so may cause some short term harm, but it will almost always result in optimal long term good.

And bandit, punch your friend in the face and tell him to get over it - if nothing ever actually got off the ground, then he has no reason to be depressed for more than a few days.

[nforcer06164]

Re: Friendship

banditcom, you just described something that happened in my life so perfectly, down to every last detail, it's not even funny. I was in the "friend" situation, and it was horrible. I'll tell you from the "friend" perspective, what happened to me. Reliving this won't be too pretty, though.

So, I was at a mixer, no luck. A friend of mine's girlfriend suggested setting me up with someone. I decided, hey, what could it hurt? I went to a dance at her school, and everything clicked right away. It was perfect. I could see no end to it, to tell the truth. We were going out for about a month, and saw each other and talked frequently, despite being separated by a high-traffic street. Then, something unexpected happened. Her sister was murdered. It didn't help that her mother was suffering from recurrent cancer. I went to the wake and funeral, and after that, I didn't hear from her. Of course, I decided to leave her alone for a bit. It was understandable. But, I was too attached. I had to call her or see her or something. But, she continued to avoid me. I later found out she was hanging out with other friends. I got the opinions of a few friends, and they all reached the same conclusion: she's trying to get rid of you. That seemed right. Boy, was I wrong. I neglected to realize that the friends she was hanging out with were the two people she had known her whole life, and she needed them more than anyone else. I learned this too late; she called me to talk and apologize, suggested getting back together, taking a break... I wouldn't have it, and I decided to break up and move on.

I still talked to her, but really didn't see her the rest of the school year. During the summer, my best friend and I visited an arcade that, oddly enough, took the exact same route as getting to her house. So, we took her along. Big mistake. The feeling came back, all at once. And, it hurt. Because no matter how hard I tried for the next several months (up until now, really), she would not change her mind and get back into a relationship with me. I took her to my Homecoming, kept seeing her on random trips my friend and I would take... it was an up and down rollercoaster. She and I would often fight over circumstance, stop talking for a few weeks... and everything would start all over again. I mean, the way she acted, you'd think we were a couple. But, hidden underneath, that was not the case.

So, here's where my friendships came in.

1) My best friend, whom I really relied on for a lot of advice during the whole ordeal, was kind of an adaptive person. He really tolerated a lot of my whining, and often tried to tell me more of what I wanted to hear at first. You know, give me some hope (this was in the early stages), when none of us knew what could happen. Later on, though, he got a little harsher. Fed up with my inability to let go multiple times, he told me I had to grow up, face the facts, and move on. I tried doing that, and it didn't work. It often got to the point where I received a pretty severe lashing for what I realize now as blind stupidity. I still have the same friendship, maybe better, than when I started.

2) This friend continued to tell me that things could still work (and wanted to see it work; his girlfriend had set us up, after all). However, after a while, he said I should deliver an ultimatum: either we have to be a couple, or I can't be your friend at all. I never did that, though. It didn't seem the right way to go. He's still the same guy to me.

3) This one kept telling me how I had to get over it, from the start. How I should be over her, how I should read what she's doing, et cetera. They often yelled at me for my whining, and quit being stupid. In the end, they turned out to be one of the people whose constant, enwavering opinion helped me get her out of my life. Things haven't changed as far as friendship goes.

Two of these three people, you guys already know, because they frequent the forums. I didn't feel like spotlighting anybody, though. I don't mind if they speak up.

In the end, really, I think it depends a lot more on the person in the situation more than the friend. I think harshness helps a lot more in the end, really. If things don't change in their relationship, they'll see that their friends were right and apologize if there was any argument, or broken friendship. At least that's the way I see it. I got upset with some of my friends, but it didn't last too long. In the end, they were all right to some degree.

And wow, that was a huge post. I hope I answered the question well enough. If you want to know something else (seeing as I was in such a situation), let me know. It was a bit difficult for me to write this, though.

[Z3ratul]

Re: Friendship

It's very situational. It all depends on the friend for me, as certain people tend to react different ways... obvious, I know, but for me to make a blunt choice is too difficult without much more information. And call me crazy, but who said you can't have all three?

[TheRaiRaiEatsBalloons]

Re: Friendship

Your friend should learn that drama is pointless, that stress shortens one's life, and that one's emotional condition is generally controllable.

If your friend can't realize that, your friend is hopeless.

[Z3ratul]

Re: Friendship

So pessimistic (sp?) RaiRai.

First, I think that, for many, drama has a point. Drama leads to life experience, and most people need that to learn things.

I agree with the stress comment.

Since you said generally, I'll agree.

BTW, your Avy rules RaiRai.

[TheRaiRaiEatsBalloons]

Re: Friendship

About drama leading to life experience, you don't have to have constant ups and downs to experience life. It's not unplausable to suggest that someone can be pleasant nearly all the time and enjoy life for what it is, under the simple condition that said person is not a stupid cunt.
I know it sounds like my comments have been pessimistic, but I'm actually more aiming for blunt honesty.

Also, yes, I have pretty much the best avatar on the internet. B)

[Z3ratul]

Re: Friendship

Blunt honesty tends to have a pessimistic tone to it, unfortunately. And given your logic, then I suppose we can agree that there's a significant amount of people who are stupid ****s.

[TheRaiRaiEatsBalloons]

Re: Friendship

Generally, yeah.

Like someone who bases their whole life around some dick they can't be with.