Those of you who have been here for at least a year may remember a post about one of the members of our community, Monoc (real name Paul Nagode). As a refresher (and for those who were not here), Paul took his own life on April 21st last year, 3 days after his 18th birthday. While I don't wish to open sore wounds and make people feel uncomfortable with this depressing news, but I think it's important that we remember him and cherish our memories of him. While the forum these posts were on ended up being a moral debate on his suicide, I respectfully request that this post be a memorial to his memory and to keep it positive.
Paul didn't post very often but when he did, it was thoughtful and insightful. In order to keep this post short(er), here is the link to all his posts in case you are interested. It is merely a fraction of what kind of person he was but I suggest reading it to get an idea of how his mind worked. http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...h_author=Monoc
Here are a few choice quotes from the forum from last year. I realize I am _very_ predujice about which quotes I chose however I personally feel they were what the forum was _supposed_ to be about. Feel free to read the rest of the forum if you would like however. http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...ghlight=nagode
"Monoc is my brother. I appriciate the encouraging and understanding comments you guys have written here. Monoc actually signed me up on this site a few weeks ago when he came and visited me. He's my younger brother by three years (he just turned 18 on April 15th). For those of you curious, he did shoot himself. My parents were the first to find him. My parents and I watched the cremation a few days ago and the funeral was held last Sat. He had been struggling with depression for many years and tried to get help constantly. He went through so many medication combinations it's not even funny, and has been seeing therapists, etc. the entire time. He tried so hard to get up every day and go to school and just to function. There were a few things he took pleasure in but he was truly miserable most of the time. Everyone in our family, including my parents and myself, tried to support him as well as encourage him to get out of his funk. But no matter how hard he tried, he wasn't getting any better. I know most of you really didn't know him, but please believe me he was one of the most empathetic people I've ever known. He would always try to make me feel better no matter what and would challange me to better myself. While it sound's sort of backwards, he really did try to get better. Just to let you all know, he had a quirky sence of humor that all around him loved dearly, and was increadibly smart. There were so many people that showed up at his funeral that it was standing room only, took up two rooms, and even standing room was limited. Everyone close to him is going to miss him dearly."
-melstrange
"I knew him personally as a close friend, and I must say that I did everything I could to help him out with his depression. He had a number of close friendships and was not a loner, nor was he an idiot. He was simply a nice guy who had a genetic tendency toward depression, and although I will miss him immeasureably, I often find it amazing that he fought against his disease for as long as he did. As for those of you who call him a moron for choosing suicide as the way out, let me say that unless you have been through a depression as deep as his, you cannot possibly understand the pain he went through everyday simply to keep on living. As for verification of his death, I cannot prove it in any definite way if you truly choose not to believe that it happened. I can, however, tell you that his family and friends (including myself) are in a terrible stage of grieving for the loss that we are currently dealing with. If you choose not to respect this I obviously cannot stop you. Nevertheless, I ask you to please try to understand that many of you are talking casually about a subject that is extremely personal and emotional to some. By the way, in case anyone was interested, his first name was Paul."
-fefairman
"(T)o be human is to have the potential for great happiness and great sadness. Paul unfortunately suffered from a chemical depression that left him barely able to get by most days. To put it in perspective, if a normal human being operates on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is extremely happy, 1 is extremely unhappy, and 5 is rather neutral, then as Paul once explained to me, for him 10 was neutral, 5 was extremely unhappy, and 1 was very very depressed. Thus, even with the drugs, at best he was able to get by day after day. But the amazing thing about Paul was the fact that he was able to brighten the lives of all of his friends, and he was always there to talk over our problems with us. Paul was one of the most selfless people in the world.
This is all to say that despite his illness Paul maintained one of the purest moral fibers that I have ever seen in a person. And one must also take into account how long he was able to fight the disease and not let it win. I cannot even begin to fathom how much strength and willpower it took him to get out of bed each day, and I hope that when you attack his character you are attacking full well knowing the kind of struggle Paul was able to win for so long."
-Tekwarrior
"Paul knew exactly how his suicide would affect the people who loved him. He even admitted to my mom about how much he was morally against the whole idea of suicide. He knew it was selfish and that it was the easy way out. Even in his goodbye letter, the first thing he said was "I know I am being selfish". Paul had a very distinct view on the world and what was important. The single thing that caused him the most pain was knowing he was a disapointment to someone.
This was an increadibly selfish and self absorbed act. And I'm not saying his killing himself should be glorified. But also realized how hard he faught and to what lengths he pondered in his mind about the concequences of his actions. He agonized over this decision for 8 months before he finally decided enough was enough. He was trully miserable for years and saw no hope of that changing. He tried so hard to keep his head up every day and to try to find a meaning in life. His friends and family were what kept him going for so long, other wise this would've happened years ago.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I don't believe in condoning the fact he gave up on life, I do believe that we should praise him for sticking it out so far, for trying so hard, and for just being the wonderful person he is. And as mad as we are about him willingly leaving us, I want to remember him as the person he was and how much he enriched all of our lives."
-melstrange
Paul and his best friends created an impressive LAN group that continues even today, named GYLO. The website about their get togethers and past history is http://www.getyourlanon.com
I want to thank Paul's friends that posted on last year's forum; jraynor, fefairman, Tekwarrior, and Daisy2800. Thanks guys for your support in this and feel free to contact me if you want to talk. To everyone else, I would love to answer any questions about this incident anywhere from specific facts to debating the morality of suicide itself. Just please, again, don't debate or bash Paul's suicide in anyway on this forum. If you'd like to make a new forum I don't mind, but I would like to keep this one clean. Thanks again for all who have given their support in the past.
Anyone can reach me by either by email, [email protected], or AIM, screen name Melaeni.
Paul didn't post very often but when he did, it was thoughtful and insightful. In order to keep this post short(er), here is the link to all his posts in case you are interested. It is merely a fraction of what kind of person he was but I suggest reading it to get an idea of how his mind worked. http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...h_author=Monoc
Here are a few choice quotes from the forum from last year. I realize I am _very_ predujice about which quotes I chose however I personally feel they were what the forum was _supposed_ to be about. Feel free to read the rest of the forum if you would like however. http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...ghlight=nagode
"Monoc is my brother. I appriciate the encouraging and understanding comments you guys have written here. Monoc actually signed me up on this site a few weeks ago when he came and visited me. He's my younger brother by three years (he just turned 18 on April 15th). For those of you curious, he did shoot himself. My parents were the first to find him. My parents and I watched the cremation a few days ago and the funeral was held last Sat. He had been struggling with depression for many years and tried to get help constantly. He went through so many medication combinations it's not even funny, and has been seeing therapists, etc. the entire time. He tried so hard to get up every day and go to school and just to function. There were a few things he took pleasure in but he was truly miserable most of the time. Everyone in our family, including my parents and myself, tried to support him as well as encourage him to get out of his funk. But no matter how hard he tried, he wasn't getting any better. I know most of you really didn't know him, but please believe me he was one of the most empathetic people I've ever known. He would always try to make me feel better no matter what and would challange me to better myself. While it sound's sort of backwards, he really did try to get better. Just to let you all know, he had a quirky sence of humor that all around him loved dearly, and was increadibly smart. There were so many people that showed up at his funeral that it was standing room only, took up two rooms, and even standing room was limited. Everyone close to him is going to miss him dearly."
-melstrange
"I knew him personally as a close friend, and I must say that I did everything I could to help him out with his depression. He had a number of close friendships and was not a loner, nor was he an idiot. He was simply a nice guy who had a genetic tendency toward depression, and although I will miss him immeasureably, I often find it amazing that he fought against his disease for as long as he did. As for those of you who call him a moron for choosing suicide as the way out, let me say that unless you have been through a depression as deep as his, you cannot possibly understand the pain he went through everyday simply to keep on living. As for verification of his death, I cannot prove it in any definite way if you truly choose not to believe that it happened. I can, however, tell you that his family and friends (including myself) are in a terrible stage of grieving for the loss that we are currently dealing with. If you choose not to respect this I obviously cannot stop you. Nevertheless, I ask you to please try to understand that many of you are talking casually about a subject that is extremely personal and emotional to some. By the way, in case anyone was interested, his first name was Paul."
-fefairman
"(T)o be human is to have the potential for great happiness and great sadness. Paul unfortunately suffered from a chemical depression that left him barely able to get by most days. To put it in perspective, if a normal human being operates on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is extremely happy, 1 is extremely unhappy, and 5 is rather neutral, then as Paul once explained to me, for him 10 was neutral, 5 was extremely unhappy, and 1 was very very depressed. Thus, even with the drugs, at best he was able to get by day after day. But the amazing thing about Paul was the fact that he was able to brighten the lives of all of his friends, and he was always there to talk over our problems with us. Paul was one of the most selfless people in the world.
This is all to say that despite his illness Paul maintained one of the purest moral fibers that I have ever seen in a person. And one must also take into account how long he was able to fight the disease and not let it win. I cannot even begin to fathom how much strength and willpower it took him to get out of bed each day, and I hope that when you attack his character you are attacking full well knowing the kind of struggle Paul was able to win for so long."
-Tekwarrior
"Paul knew exactly how his suicide would affect the people who loved him. He even admitted to my mom about how much he was morally against the whole idea of suicide. He knew it was selfish and that it was the easy way out. Even in his goodbye letter, the first thing he said was "I know I am being selfish". Paul had a very distinct view on the world and what was important. The single thing that caused him the most pain was knowing he was a disapointment to someone.
This was an increadibly selfish and self absorbed act. And I'm not saying his killing himself should be glorified. But also realized how hard he faught and to what lengths he pondered in his mind about the concequences of his actions. He agonized over this decision for 8 months before he finally decided enough was enough. He was trully miserable for years and saw no hope of that changing. He tried so hard to keep his head up every day and to try to find a meaning in life. His friends and family were what kept him going for so long, other wise this would've happened years ago.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I don't believe in condoning the fact he gave up on life, I do believe that we should praise him for sticking it out so far, for trying so hard, and for just being the wonderful person he is. And as mad as we are about him willingly leaving us, I want to remember him as the person he was and how much he enriched all of our lives."
-melstrange
Paul and his best friends created an impressive LAN group that continues even today, named GYLO. The website about their get togethers and past history is http://www.getyourlanon.com
I want to thank Paul's friends that posted on last year's forum; jraynor, fefairman, Tekwarrior, and Daisy2800. Thanks guys for your support in this and feel free to contact me if you want to talk. To everyone else, I would love to answer any questions about this incident anywhere from specific facts to debating the morality of suicide itself. Just please, again, don't debate or bash Paul's suicide in anyway on this forum. If you'd like to make a new forum I don't mind, but I would like to keep this one clean. Thanks again for all who have given their support in the past.
Anyone can reach me by either by email, [email protected], or AIM, screen name Melaeni.
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