the issues with my parents

[Cavernio]

I should probably start my own thread here, instead of keeping posting in flipsta's thread.

I could go on and on about the family history I have, but I'll do my best to keep it short. (I'm not good at that though am I)
I'm not a healthy person. I've been mentally ill for 12 years, got depressed when I started university which was when I also moved out, since my school wasn't anywhere near home. I'd basically stopped confiding in my parents about my personal issues when I was, I dunno, 9, 10? They raised me to be independent. Also, my older sister was/had been pretty badly depressed when I lived at home, and it wasn't pretty. Lots of anger everywhere. Like most people who are depressed, I clammed up.
My mom took it personally somehow, (even though it wasn't like she called me up when I was away at school...), and when I found a bf and wanted to stay one summer to do a couple of classes at university and we moved in for the summer together, things exploded. The following years I dropped many courses, failed one or two, and at some point my well off parents decided to stop paying for my school because they felt like I was 'using them', as indicated by the fact that I had a bf I lived with and that I was doing badly in school and I didn't really want to talk them about my life. I guess. I really don't know. What was I supposed to tell them? 'Yeah, today I skipped my classes to cry until my eyes burned. Then I slept 14 hours.' And it's not like I was good enough to hide the fact that I was depressed from them at this point; the previous summer they knew something was up even before I ODed on my antidepressants and they had to take me to the hospital.
When I finally graduated, single again, I did move back home for a year or so before I moved out on my own again because I didn't know what else to do. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough; first I didn't get a job fast enough, then my job wasn't good enough for me, the whole time my mom still resented me for not being her friend.
I finally decided to try going back to school for a more useful degree, and I moved out when both my parents completely flipped out at me for getting a flat tire, as if I had taken it out to go joy riding or something, I don't even know why...

I dropped out of school again, and have been working off and on since. Moved in with my current bf, but still in the same city they live in, like a ten minute walk from their house. For awhile after moving out I didn't talk to them, but we've been talking since. It's a thing now for us to have sunday night dinner, a thing I generally dislike. My mom, now retired, calls me up usually at least once a week to go shopping with her or something. It stresses me out to no end. She doesn't like taking no for an answer, she badgers me until I say yes.
When I finally told my parents I was writing a novel, neither congratulated me really, just nodded her head, he didn't say much of anything. Not that I'd expect him to, he's the type of person for whom being a psychology research assistant (even I wasn't JUST testing participants, I came up with one of the experiments I was testing people for on my own and wrote sections of papers for the prof who hired me) was a waste of time in comparison to getting a computer science degree.

It just...pisses me off to no end. They still think I was just partying or something when I was at school. If anyone every brings up anything from the past 10 years, its just a longass fight. It's like just because I'm not open about my feelings (oh, and I wonder why I'm not, is it because my parents are even more closed about shit than I am, and have been their entire lives?), my depression wasn't serious or real or I was just using them or whatever. Oh I know they can think it's a serious and real thing too, because I have a cousin who's bipolar and they don't think she was using her parents, they feel sorry for her.

My parents still push me towards doing things though, getting work, going back to school, even just hobbies. They push and push until I finally say yes, and then are disappointed in me when I fail or stop. But they're also disappointed if I don't try.

I find myself wishing regularly that I could just stop having them in my life. But if I did that, I'd have to face the rest of my family who'd be confused and who wouldn't get at all why I dislike my parents, my sister and her kids, my brother, my relatives. It's not possible for me to just not talk to my parents, I'd have to avoid the rest of my family too.

I also find myself worrying about them now too. They're 65, they're old and they've aged fast the past couple of years. I ****ing hate it, I hate giving a shit about them, I hate that they still have so much influence over me that it bothers me to think that I'm a disappointment to them. I hate it that until just recently I've felt the same way about how little I've accomplished as they do.

I guess this is just more of a vent than anything. I haven't even explained it well I'm sure. There's many specific thinggs I haven't mentioned, I haven't differentiated really between my dad and my mom much, but I have issues with both of them anyways. I don't really expect anyone to understand either, partly because it's an incomplete explanation, partly because if I just replaced the word lazy with depression, the whole thing makes sense from my parents perspective, and partly because people don't believe or really understand what it's like to have a mental illness.

[Spenner]

Re: the issues with my parents

I think that by hiding the truth you've ended up deluding them a bit. Perhaps you should let them know the details they SHOULD know, but don't wait for their opinion about it (because really, their opinion isn't going to change the reality of the situation. A mental illness that is interfering isn't something you can just say "oh, you're fine, just tough it out and grow up").

I think independence is a good step for you, your parents don't seem like the supportive type... I think most of all they're just wanting to see you raising the bar or with some typical parental goal in mind. If you can show them you can do fine on your own I think that might put a bit more comfort in their minds.

[Hakulyte]

Re: the issues with my parents

Warning, quote-fest.

I'm not a healthy person. I've been mentally ill for 12 years

Explain this more clearly please, it's like super important. .-.

It just...pisses me off to no end. They still think I was just partying or something when I was at school.

What's stopping you from simply being indifferent about it? If you know the truth, this shouldn't affect you so much. I know you care about what they think, but in this context what they're thinking is wrong and you know why.

My parents still push me towards doing things though, getting work, going back to school, even just hobbies. They push and push until I finally say yes, and then are disappointed in me when I fail or stop. But they're also disappointed if I don't try.

Well, I believe you understand why they're doing this. What they're missing could be that life is not about success, but about progression to become a better person. There's no real reason to take so much pressure from this. Just do what you can and it should be more than enough.

It's not possible for me to just not talk to my parents, I'd have to avoid the rest of my family too.

Why?

I also find myself worrying about them now too. They're 65, they're old and they've aged fast the past couple of years. I ****ing hate it, I hate giving a shit about them, I hate that they still have so much influence over me that it bothers me to think that I'm a disappointment to them. I hate it that until just recently I've felt the same way about how little I've accomplished as they do.

Family is family.. that's some kind of inevitable reaction.

I guess this is just more of a vent than anything. I haven't even explained it well I'm sure. There's many specific things I haven't mentioned, I haven't differentiated really between my dad and my mom much, but I have issues with both of them anyways.

You're right on this, but it's still a good start to get somewhere.

I don't really expect anyone to understand either, partly because it's an incomplete explanation, partly because if I just replaced the word lazy with depression, the whole thing makes sense from my parents perspective, and partly because people don't believe or really understand what it's like to have a mental illness.

Well, they're just misinformed then.

[Mau5]

Re: the issues with my parents

They sound like..... Parents

[qqwref]

Re: the issues with my parents

If you ask me, you should just abandon them. They don't like you, you don't like them, so why bother? Don't go to dinner or whatever, and block their phone number and/or hang up if they call you. I get that you are trying to not hurt their feelings, and to not offend the family. But you know what? You're an adult now, have been for a while, and that means you're your own person and you can decide for yourself what to do with your life. If your parents aren't directly supporting you (either financially or by providing a house for you to live in), why bother caring what they think? Stand up for yourself, and if anyone asks, tell them that your parents were causing you way too much stress and it was detrimental to your health. If someone else in your family can't understand this, then sorry, but they don't deserve to be in contact with you. And if your parents ever need help from you, tell them they need to deserve help. Just being your parents is NOT enough, especially if they're emotionally abusive.

Honestly, it sounds like you don't really have anything to lose by getting away from your parents or even the rest of your family. In fact, the reduction in stress would probably make your life a lot easier. Once you do that, set your own goals in life. What do you really want to accomplish? I don't mean what do people expect you to accomplish, but what do you really want out of life? Is it doing research? Getting to know cool people? Aiming for a particular career? Maybe just having the freedom to hang out and relax on your time off? Whatever it is, you can work towards it on your own terms, and you can be proud of each step you take towards it.

[Reincarnate]

Re: the issues with my parents

It's hard work, but going on your own is sometimes the best option if you wish to remain sane.

[MrGiggles]

Re: the issues with my parents

What was I supposed to tell them? 'Yeah, today I skipped my classes to cry until my eyes burned. Then I slept 14 hours.'

Yes! They're your goddamned parents. They probably hurt like hell watching you struggle with your depression and trying to keep such a large part of your life from them.

and if that didn't help, then at least you would have had more confirmation that it's time to go independent.

[Syhto]

Re: the issues with my parents

imo you should try telling them how you feel on the realest and truest level possible and mend the relationship, cutting off ties won't help your anxieties. Tell them these things, say what you're afraid of, make sure they're clear you're coming to them for help because you're really struggling and you need their love and support on a compassionate level. being independent works as far as, making sure you come first, and you do what you want to do, and you take time out for yourself to heal and not be a doormat. obviously you aren't a doormat, you're just letting these 'problems' creep into you and get to you on such a level. I don't think it's really so important, how you were raised, what you went through, what ever. What's most important is taking the steps forward in the present time, doing whatever you think would help. try addressing the actual issues with your parents or with someone that knows your situation and see a way out of it, other than being pissed off/brooding that they don't understand or whatever. you have to really give them that opportunity and show that side of yourself. there's always a way out of any situation, you just have to be creative.

it doesn't matter what they think, just set them straight, and try not to be too indignant. you are their daughter, they care, you care, it's just natural. get this crap off your chest, i think they could really surprise you if you use the right approach. honestly they sound like normal concerned and confused parents to me, cuz theyre just trying to help you in whatever way they think helps. add some more clarity and openness to the relationship so they can give you adequate space, but don't push away people that love and are trying to care for you. get out of your brain and put it out there

[Cavernio]

Re: the issues with my parents

K, so about being depressed...what do you need to know? Was it official? My state of mind?

Thinking back it started at the end of grade 12. And for reasons that make sense why I'd feel like crap. The guy I liked didn't like me back, I'd finally found a group of friends I was super comfortable and happy to be with and I wouldn't be around them anymore come next school year. Physically though, knowing now how...whole-body mental illness can be, there were other things. School was harder for me, especially math. I couldn't just coast along anymore. One might argue the subject matter was harder, but I don't really think it was. And I remember the first time I randomly got tired and I didn't know why. I was doing my regular weekly chores, and I just had sit down and rest. I sat down for like 5 or 10 minutes, doing nothing, before finishing the vacuuming. Resting like that's something I do for hours at a time now, and it's part of my daily life. Most recently when I was working fulltime, I quit all the hobbies I had just so I could work because I'd come home and eat, rest, and sleep.

Officially though, I was diagnosed with depression by the campus doctor about 2/3 of the way through my first year of university, early 2001. I got antidepressants and thought I'd be set, fixed, be able to focus on school. They didn't work. 2001 is when I had my first suicide attempt, while at home for the summer. It was the only one my parents ever knew about. I remember being in the hospital and telling my mom that I just didn't care about anything, that there was no point in living. She said that at least she knew what was going on with me, or something like that. (Something I also told the doctor on campus a few months later when I again OD when he asked why I did it. There's no point is generally how I feel when I'm depressed.) My dad was so worried about me that he fainted. It was *the* worst experience of my life. The following day, my parents didn't talk about it. I wanted to tell my friends, so I got a couple of them together that evening and I told them about it. I guess they didn't know what to say either. But it still galls me that my mom, before I went out that evening, said in her quiet, disappointed, kinda menacing voice, that I hadn't done my saturday chores. (The deal at my house was that I was essentially grounded until I had done my weekly chores, so she wanted me to do my chores before I went anywhere.) I left without doing my chores. We've never talked about it since.

The worst I've ever felt is probably 2004-2005, when I dropped out of a term of school. I'd dropped individual classes before and since, but never an entire semester. I had another suicide attempt that, well, was less planned and less hopeful, so maybe just a call for help thing, in 2003 that I never told my parents about. I had another one my final year of school. I was at the psyc hospital for a couple days that time, and let me tell you, state-of-the-art mental facilities feel like jail. I lied and said I wanted to go back to school when they asked me just so I wouldn't be in there anymore.

I do feel like there's a point to living now, and I have things that I enjoy doing and I recognize that I enjoy them, but I'm still almost constantly tired, and whenever I try to do too much, (which is very, very little), I feel myself slipping. I've also come to accept my limitations, something my parents don't see I have I guess. And I now know that I'm a celiac, although I'm not sure if I was one long enough ago to explain my depression, (I've only had abdominal symptoms since 2006)

The only way I can be indifferent about how my parents think of me is if I never think about them or see them. It's not like they're some random turd on the internet who thinks poorly of me, I'm their genes, they raised me, they gave me their values. I can't stop loving someone just because I hate them, rather, that's how I can hate them.

As far as them simply not understanding me, sure. However, I did mention that my sister was terribly depressed for awhile. When she was in highschool. My parents saw it and knew it, and their reaction to it was, generally, to yell at her. My parents didn't and don't really show any emotions besides anger and disappointment.

It also doesn't help that I'm sure my dad's been depressed too, but he's doing just fine with his life. So he thinks that he gets how I feel, even though he clearly doesn't. He's a professor, top of his field. Of course, if my mom didn't look after every other aspect of his life, he's probably be living out of his office or something.

My mom also likes to blame 'the kids' for stressing her life out because we never did enough to help her out. She's the person who had to have a career, had to have a homecooked meal every night, had to have a super clean house, had to have her own garden, and then she blamed all her overwork on the rest of us. But even retired now she doesn't have it any other way; she has to make herself not do the daily sudoku in the paper because it's a waste of time, and all the committees and classes she does take all her time. I didn't get a christmas gift from her this year because she didn't have to time make it.

My dad though, he never really gave or gives a shit about me. My parents were totally laissez faire when it came to my school. My dad didn't even know how old I was as a kid; he called my old elementary school once to tell them I was sick and not coming in when I was actually in highschool. That's 4 years difference, that's huge when you're a kid. My dad didn't even bother coming to my graduation from university, he had a class to teach. Couldn't get a substitute for a day. My dad's the person who'll always be disappointed in me unless I get a nobel prize or something.
My mom always wanted me to come home every summer between semesters, yet no one would ever come and pick me up. Of course they picked up my older brother every year when he was away for school, and dropped him back off too. They never did that for me. I had to cart all my crap with me.

IF I just put my parents out of my life, I would never be able to see my other relatives without having that fact crop up. They already think poorly of me, because I moved in with a bf, because from what my mom told them, I used her for her money. If I stopped talking to my parents they'd just see it as me being even more of a spoiled, lazy, brat. If my brother or sister ever come down to visit, they stay with my parents.
And without my family, I have very few people to even be around. It's impossible for me to make new friends. It's rather hard to share hobbies or what I like when I don't really have hobbies. Even things I like I don't devote all that much time or energy to. I'm a terribly boring person who usually just wants to sit at home. I won't even partake in gossip because most of it's mean. I'm the last person anyone wants to befriend IRL, I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I don't have any of my own friends anymore, besides my bf, in the city where we live either. Old friends I don't talk much to, but I usually like it when they're around. When someone asks 'whats new?' I've usually got nothing.

It's easy to say I don't want to be around people who don't understand me, so why should I care if my family doesn't like me. But no one ever fully gets you, or rarely will, and I don't want to be a hermit. My memory of my extended family as a kid was that they were awesome and fun, and I still like them.

I've tried talking things over with my parents, with my mom especially, but she just doesn't get it. As I said, it just ends up with us yelling at each other. She wants me to apologize for balking at doing chores as a kid, she wants me to think that I did wrong when I dropped out of courses, she wants me to believe that I was just using her for her money, and I should apologize for that. I want to her to see that I didn't do anythign wrong, that I struggled to even graduate, and to see that I wasn't taking her money and giving it to my bf...the money my parents gave me was less than what student loans gave my bf to live on. But she doesn't. She thinks I'm fooling myself, being a bitch, or being totally immature or something when I say that.
My mom's insanely stubborn, and not just with me. Like, when her sister who was going off of opiod pain killers for her chronic kidney pain, was saying it was awful because she would constantly be cold but sweating buckets. My mom didn't think that it was the opiods, she thought it was her just going through menopause, because my mom sweated a lot from hot flashes when she went through menopause. My mom just refused to believe her sister, my mom clearly knew better.
My dad, well, he's better, but he still will always be disappointed with me because he's 'proof' that I can do better if I wanted. And he was the person who was physically abusive to us as kids because he could never hold his temper.

I felt like I was independent of them when they stopped paying for my tuition in 2004. I actually felt independent when I went off to school. Money's just money, and my mom would dangle their money over my head all the time when I did something she didn't like. The moment I could get a good deal for a canada student loan, I took it. I suppose I could've gone to a bank and taken out a line of credit earlier, but I didn't. Even though I went back home, it was only ever supposed to be temporary. My mom still thinks I wasn't independant though, of course, she didn't want me to be back then either. She was super pissed when I didn't come home one summer.

It's no longer a matter of independence. It's about the relationship now. Whose bright idea was it that kids should stay in touch with their parents once they were adults anyways?

And as to telling my parents specifics about how I was feeling, my sister was depressed, my dad's been depressed, and they DO know about it, just not specifics. It also doesn't help when I would feel guilty all the time for not being able to do better. If I could just hide it from them, if I could just make it through everything or just actually get better, hiding it made a lot of sense. And yes, I'm sure it hurt them, but me telling them wasn't going to change that. It would just give them more reason to worry. Even now I only avoid them when I don't feel well, physically like being sick, or emotionally. If you know you're liable to flip out at the slightest thing, you'd hole up until you felt sane too.

The biggest thing now though is that I think they're planning on staying in this same town when my dad retires because I'm here. I desperately don't want that. I've wanted my bf to find work in other cities close to other friends of ours ever since we moved in together. And I know my mom would love to move to be closer to her favorite sister. I keep telling them to not stay her, to make plans to retire up in Sudbury where she wants to go, but she always says that dad doesn't want to move. But I have a niggling feeling they're going to be staying here because I'm here, and they feel like they need to be here for me or something, when I'd love to only have to see them christmas time and other holidays.

[Spenner]

Re: the issues with my parents

I think you need to come to terms with yourself and realize that no matter what path you take, it's at the fault of your parents and not yourself. The lack of support they have given shows that they fear the truth, and they fear being wrong, and they can't live without high expectations. And you are better than that, so I don't think it's right for you to have to deal with those old fashioned fundamentalists. You could live a life of lies and possibly get along fine with them, but that would be giving them what they want (for the real truth to never be known, as long as it keeps their life in order and unaffected).

I think any action such as running away or just walking out would leave nothing but negative impressions, more so than what persist now. You have to tell them straight up, how you feel about the way they've been acting, why it's affecting your life negatively, and tell them that you are going on your own ways in pursuit of needs that fit YOUR life, not theirs. They are living in a close minded selfish world, and you will go nowhere just roasting yourself in their presence if they are to keep this up. They need their eyes pried open. They're living through the past generation, where if things aren't a certain way, they are wrong. I know you can pull through, it will just take a lot of effort from the start. Begin with lots of research.

[G.S.M]

Re: the issues with my parents

tldr other posts

Cut them from your life.

[MikeShinoda12345]

Re: the issues with my parents

My dad was so worried about me that he fainted.

My dad though, he never really gave or gives a shit about me.

??

[Cavernio]

Re: the issues with my parents

Like many people with many things, I suspect he only realized that he cared when he was scared of losing me. Not that that mattered at the moment to me then, because I didn't get depressed because of how my parents were. I was generally a very happy kid, at least I think I was. I guess I'm just hurt now at how he was when I was a kid, and he's still often the same way now.