another thread
Remember that old thread where I intended to try to manage my feelings before killing myself? I certainly didn't expect my location to be found. That's because I was having a severe panic attack whilst in the middle of being depressed. I didn't think much about how to kill myself at that moment because I wasn't thinking straight. I found out a lot of things after that.
My depression is so painful it is causing short lapses in my consciousness at times. It's pain. Seemingly perpetual. People who know tell me I'm very smart. People who meet me often tell me I appear intelligent. I'm told it by so many people it seems like a fake staple to pander me. While it seems fake, there's a possibility that it's true. if it really is, then taking into consideration how long I have been trying to change, fix, get help, devote myself to not being depressed anymore, NOTHING has worked. When I say nothing, I meant to say I've tried so many things suggestions changes or medication or anything else not immediately coming to mind that I've tried has not worked. My observations of everything and everyone lead me to not wanting to live on this earth anymore. It's so fuxking complicated that anyone I try to tell can't even handle trying to understand it before they tell me they can't deal with it. I could spend as week typing away but it won't change anything. Not everyone believes I feel the way I do. People who say they do can't help.
Wanna hear some words from people who have said they wanted to help?
"You need to act like a man, quit being so pitiful. You constantly complain to me and it just never stops! Quit talking to me."
They said they would listen, they said they cared as my friend
"You said you took 50 paxil? Pfft I can tell you're not telling the truth because you said you swallowed them all at once without gagging and because you aren't acting like you're in pain. Whatever"
Why would you say that to me.. i didn't lie, or flush them down the toilet like you accused, I should've swallowed more that night..
"If you were trying to kill yourself, why didn't you use Tylenol, which would surely kill you at that dose? Did you do this for attention?"
Thanks doctor, I'll make sure I get it right next time.
"Next time don't tell anyone you're doing it, idiot"
Are you trying to make me cry? I trusted you the most..
Then
I was put on unit restriction in the mental hospital, kept away from everyone else. Alone. I was told I needed to contemplate why suicide is bad. All I could think of was how I was being punished now.
"There's no need for you to pretend you're contributing for attention"
I wasn't aware that what I said was already shared.. FUCK YOU ANON.
I'M SO TIRED
OF LIVING
don't call anyone to my fuxking house again
no I'm not about to kill myself right now
Oh look I let out some feelings
My depression is so painful it is causing short lapses in my consciousness at times. It's pain. Seemingly perpetual. People who know tell me I'm very smart. People who meet me often tell me I appear intelligent. I'm told it by so many people it seems like a fake staple to pander me. While it seems fake, there's a possibility that it's true. if it really is, then taking into consideration how long I have been trying to change, fix, get help, devote myself to not being depressed anymore, NOTHING has worked. When I say nothing, I meant to say I've tried so many things suggestions changes or medication or anything else not immediately coming to mind that I've tried has not worked. My observations of everything and everyone lead me to not wanting to live on this earth anymore. It's so fuxking complicated that anyone I try to tell can't even handle trying to understand it before they tell me they can't deal with it. I could spend as week typing away but it won't change anything. Not everyone believes I feel the way I do. People who say they do can't help.
Wanna hear some words from people who have said they wanted to help?
"You need to act like a man, quit being so pitiful. You constantly complain to me and it just never stops! Quit talking to me."
They said they would listen, they said they cared as my friend
"You said you took 50 paxil? Pfft I can tell you're not telling the truth because you said you swallowed them all at once without gagging and because you aren't acting like you're in pain. Whatever"
Why would you say that to me.. i didn't lie, or flush them down the toilet like you accused, I should've swallowed more that night..
"If you were trying to kill yourself, why didn't you use Tylenol, which would surely kill you at that dose? Did you do this for attention?"
Thanks doctor, I'll make sure I get it right next time.
"Next time don't tell anyone you're doing it, idiot"
Are you trying to make me cry? I trusted you the most..
Then
I was put on unit restriction in the mental hospital, kept away from everyone else. Alone. I was told I needed to contemplate why suicide is bad. All I could think of was how I was being punished now.
"There's no need for you to pretend you're contributing for attention"
I wasn't aware that what I said was already shared.. FUCK YOU ANON.
I'M SO TIRED
OF LIVING
don't call anyone to my fuxking house again
no I'm not about to kill myself right now
Oh look I let out some feelings
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