Long distance relationships?

[Snowcrafta]

Re: Long distance relationships?

Long distance relationships ruin the proximity factor, and you don't get the full experience of being with a person. Even though it might be fun to skype or text them daily, and occasionally see each other, you have no idea what it's like living day to day with that person. It comes down to the little things.

You might not like simple things like the food they prefer, how they eat, what their daily habits are (do the brush and shower daily? What about dishes? Are they cranky after work? How tidy are they? Do they have massive amounts of laundry? What do they like to drink? Do they snore or steal the blankets?). I could go on, but that's a needed aspect in any real relationship.

[mellonxcollie]

Re: Long distance relationships?

You might not like simple things like the food they prefer, how they eat, what their daily habits are (do the brush and shower daily? What about dishes? Are they cranky after work? How tidy are they? Do they have massive amounts of laundry? What do they like to drink? Do they snore or steal the blankets?). I could go on, but that's a needed aspect in any real relationship.

You can tell a surprising amount of these things just by talking to the person, even online. If you sync well you can tell even without living together, especially if you're having prolonged visits like most people in LDRs do.

[Razor]

Re: Long distance relationships?

4+ months and going strong with mine. Planning to meet each other in the summer and I haven't been happier.

it boils down to: commitment, communication, patience, planning (short-term & long-term, finances, etc.), and trust.

this pretty much sums it up, a+ post

[welsh_girl]

Re: Long distance relationships?

it boils down to: commitment, communication, patience, planning (short-term & long-term, finances, etc.), and trust.

Pretty much this. How2relationship ^

[Sidek]

Re: Long distance relationships?

Long distance relationships are really great that's all

[j-rodd123]

Re: Long distance relationships?

I've realized I really can't do them, not up for it at all

[Reincarnate]

Re: Long distance relationships?

I think LDRs are prone to the following:

1. Over-idealization. It's way too easy to see things through rose-tinted glasses when you're at a distance, because there's only so much you can fuck up through words/Skype/etc alone. You are in each other's lives, and yet your lives are not yet integrated. Nothing beats the imagination, and at least in my experience, a great deal of time gets spent fantasizing about some faraway future, or counting the days until the next meet-up. When both people are doing this, it's really hard to keep things grounded in reality.

2. It's a different relationship! When two people aren't living together, it's a hugely different experience. My first LDR was great... as long as it remained long-distance. But when we spent long periods of time together in person, a lot of problems came up that had been initially masked by distance.

3. Stunted growth / foregone opportunity. As a result of the above two points, LDRs tend to drag on for much longer than they should because a lot of problems are being kept at bay artificially. IMO, there's only so much you can learn from that. That's time you could be spending getting acclimated to close-proximity relationships.

4. Dumb mistakes are easier to make. When you're at a distance, there is an incentive to make hasty decisions that involve moving (especially when it comes to college and beyond), which in turn carry all sorts of complex financial and social implications. Making big life decisions with incomplete information and a lack of awareness tends to backfire.

5. Not everything can be assessed with communication, which IMO is hugely damning for LDRs, seeing as communication is pretty essential for LDRs in the first place. For instance, mellonxcollie made the claim many issues can be resolved by discussion (e.g. what you eat, dishes, daily habits, etc), but IMO, I don't think it's that simple. Telling me you keep a clean room doesn't mean much when your definition of clean barely surpasses my definition of dirty. Ramping up your game and doing the dishes when you're together for a week or two is not the same as doing the dishes consistently for months at a time. Maybe the way you sleep is hugely annoying -- and it's not something you would necessarily know about. Maybe sexual interactions aren't as good as words implied. A lot of these things can be discussed, but really, you can't really know if a relationship will work long-term until you're actually in proximity long-term.

6. It's really easy to quit. You both have to really, really want it. In a close-proximity relationship, your lives become integrated such that if you have a problem, there's an incentive to fix it, because splitting up is not easy. If you're at a distance, all you need is one person to go "ehhh, maybe I'm not into it anymore" and that's that. It's really difficult to build your life around someone who isn't even there, and sometimes it's so much easier to just give it up and pursue something local (and this becomes especially true in college).

[Cavernio]

Re: Long distance relationships?

Most of those revolve around the idea that the relationship started long distance.

I was certainly considering long-distance even if it were initially not that way. In fact that was mainly what I was thinking about...I guess I was thinking about my future and not my recent past :-p

As to point 6, I'd say that if you find it easy to quit, even via long-distance, seems likely it's not worth pursuing long-term.

[Reincarnate]

Re: Long distance relationships?

Most of those revolve around the idea that the relationship started long distance.

To be specific, I would address my points to all relationships that are mostly at-distance rather than in-proximity, regardless of how it started. It's very possible to start out offline and then migrate to a LDR before you've had enough time to (adequately) get to know each other or live together for an extended period of time, etc. More broadly, my point is that a relationship at-distance is quite different from a relationship in-proximity, and you can't necessarily assume that success in the former will imply success in the latter -- and there are plenty of other issues to consider even on top of mere compatibility alone.

In other words, I think LDRs are hugely difficult and that people tend to vastly underestimate what is necessary for them to work out in the long run (with the assumption that people in LDRs intend to one day have a close-proximity relationship).

As to point 6, I'd say that if you find it easy to quit, even via long-distance, seems likely it's not worth pursuing long-term.

I'd agree, but I think that's partially my point. There's no guarantee that the other person won't suddenly feel that way one day, and if he/she does, then it'd be pretty easy for him/her to end it.

[Snowcrafta]

Re: Long distance relationships?

Proximity is the most essential part of any relationship

[mellonxcollie]

Re: Long distance relationships?

Proximity is the most essential part of any relationship

I'd waaaaaaaay rather be in a long distance relationship with someone I actually loved than a close distance relationship with someone I didn't love. Think about someone you really loved... would you have dumped them if they moved away when your relationship was good? It might seem like a requirement but really, when you love someone nothing is worth letting them get away!

[jaz_pup]

Re: Long distance relationships?

That last bit is very mushy, mellonxcollie, but I love it.
My view is that if you are really into it and feeling it, then you'll regret it if you don't do everything you can to make it work. But like someone already said, I think many people really underestimate the work involved in maintaining such a relationship. I also believe that because so much effort goes into a relationship like that, that when the distance is overcome, the relationship is much stronger than a "standard" relationship.

[mellonxcollie]

Re: Long distance relationships?

That last bit is very mushy, mellonxcollie, but I love it.
My view is that if you are really into it and feeling it, then you'll regret it if you don't do everything you can to make it work. But like someone already said, I think many people really underestimate the work involved in maintaining such a relationship. I also believe that because so much effort goes into a relationship like that, that when the distance is overcome, the relationship is much stronger than a "standard" relationship.

I agree 100% ^_^

[SariSynthetic]

Re: Long distance relationships?

Almost 4 years in one. Wouldn't change it for the world.
Will be living together soon.
Many have doubted.
But we proved them wrong. ✌

[JurseyRider734]

Re: Long distance relationships?

i guess i'd have to say it sucks when you meet the person you're in a ldr with and after you get back you find out you enjoy being in a relationship with them more when it's not in person. that's happened to me once. i'd prefer not to be in ldrs because it sucks having to be far away from someone you really want to be with... but it's really hard for me to turn away from a relationship with someone when you have a connection with them or really like them or whatever. i don't meet people irl that i end up feeling that way about... pretty much ever. it's maybe happened twice. so i just end up trying to make a ldr work again.