Peter Pan
A Review by SlankyDaManky
This movie is pretty bad, I’ll warn you already. I’m going to go through the main sections (story, effects, etc) and minus points or add points for everything good or bad that happens. We start with 100.
Story
We all know the classic story of a slightly homosexual green elf that fights pirates and does pointless things that don’t make any sense. Well now folks, it’s a live action film starring a boy dressed in vines (-5 points). He goes and gets some girl from the real world and tells her not to grow up and fly with him. If some 12 year old vine clothed dirty boy broke into my house and asked me to fly with him, I’d proceed to wrap him in melted picture frames and beat him over the head with a 16 oz jug of 2% milk. I’d then burn him by sticking a steak up his body orifice and out his mouth and roasting him over kerosene soaked snowman droppings that have been sitting out fermenting since the age of the Roman Empire. Because this didn’t happen, (-14). You all know the rest, they fight pirates, tinker bell dies and comes back to life, and Wendy goes back to her parents, the story sucks (-23).
Effects
Believe it or not, there was one cool part were they like fly through space and stuff. But it wasn’t that cool so I award it, (+2). The rest was horrid. When the people are flying they look like every bone in there body was broken and they were knocked unconscious with an oversized wooden ladle (-34). At one point captain hook proceeded to shoot one of his pirates for talking. The blood around the bullet wound looked like someone gave a dead fetus a bottle of vinegar and a dry eucalyptus leaf and let it go to work. It sucked (-65). There was also a part were Peter had to find his shadow, (which was trapped in Wendy’s drawer for some reason). He chased it and chased it but couldn’t catch it. Maybe that’s because it’s not a concrete object you ass buffer! (-19) But then he happens to catch it. The shadow was so horribly drawn and animated. It looked like they got a black guy to run around cloaked in a bed sheet (a black one) while he was on rocket powered stilts that magnet to the nearest wallpaper (-23). It too was horrid. At one point they sit on clouds. They look like masses of unicorn fur that was torn off and demoisturized, put in a meat blender, soaked in stomach acid, beaten repeatedly with a mallet, and placed into the sky by being fired out of a oiled up cannon. (-63)
Characters
Peter – A boy clothed in vines that doesn’t want to grow up and never showers. He is the main character, but also the worst. He sometimes spouts out horribly dumb insults such as “your old”. (-43)
Wendy – A girl that falls in love with peter pan. She’s ugly. And I hate her. (-23)
Tinker Bell – The fairy of Peterpan’s. She’s ugly, she dies. (+10) But then comes back to life (-74).
Captain Hook – A pirate that kills people (+12).
Other characters – They suck. (-43)
Other Parts
In the beginning, there is a naked boy (-65) dressed as an Indian (-23) running from a dog dressed as a nurse (-23).
They speak in an odd British accent that you can’t understand (which bean has dubbed tree language). (-45)
At one point, two boys (about 5) are hung upside-down, there night clothes fall down fully exposing there buttocks, and almost there genitals if they hadn’t covered them up. (-325)
A boy is kissed by and Indian and his face turns an odd shade of purple. (-31)
Two boys say LOOK AT THIS ROCK, and proceed to hit it. Why would you hit a rock? Well, it turned out to be a giant 27 foot long dormant crocodile. What a coincidence. (-45)
Peter and Wendy kiss. (-42)
The beginning is completely disjointed and talks about something called a kiss on these girls bottom right lip, and then Wendy says she wants to give Peter a kiss and hands him a thimble. (-82)
Out of Movie Occurrences
There was a Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles ad. (+100)
I played Sword of Mana during the commercials (+25)
Bean had his feet up on this guy’s daughters chair, and he proceeded to whip his half eaten pretzel at bean, asked him if he “fucking minded”, and hit his feet off the daughters chair with Extreme force. (+500)
Overall
On a scale of 0 to 100, It gets…
*drumroll*
-669
----------------…--------------.
With out of Movie Occurrences it gets..
*drumroll*
-44
Well, there you have it, it sucks.
A Review by SlankyDaManky
This movie is pretty bad, I’ll warn you already. I’m going to go through the main sections (story, effects, etc) and minus points or add points for everything good or bad that happens. We start with 100.
Story
We all know the classic story of a slightly homosexual green elf that fights pirates and does pointless things that don’t make any sense. Well now folks, it’s a live action film starring a boy dressed in vines (-5 points). He goes and gets some girl from the real world and tells her not to grow up and fly with him. If some 12 year old vine clothed dirty boy broke into my house and asked me to fly with him, I’d proceed to wrap him in melted picture frames and beat him over the head with a 16 oz jug of 2% milk. I’d then burn him by sticking a steak up his body orifice and out his mouth and roasting him over kerosene soaked snowman droppings that have been sitting out fermenting since the age of the Roman Empire. Because this didn’t happen, (-14). You all know the rest, they fight pirates, tinker bell dies and comes back to life, and Wendy goes back to her parents, the story sucks (-23).
Effects
Believe it or not, there was one cool part were they like fly through space and stuff. But it wasn’t that cool so I award it, (+2). The rest was horrid. When the people are flying they look like every bone in there body was broken and they were knocked unconscious with an oversized wooden ladle (-34). At one point captain hook proceeded to shoot one of his pirates for talking. The blood around the bullet wound looked like someone gave a dead fetus a bottle of vinegar and a dry eucalyptus leaf and let it go to work. It sucked (-65). There was also a part were Peter had to find his shadow, (which was trapped in Wendy’s drawer for some reason). He chased it and chased it but couldn’t catch it. Maybe that’s because it’s not a concrete object you ass buffer! (-19) But then he happens to catch it. The shadow was so horribly drawn and animated. It looked like they got a black guy to run around cloaked in a bed sheet (a black one) while he was on rocket powered stilts that magnet to the nearest wallpaper (-23). It too was horrid. At one point they sit on clouds. They look like masses of unicorn fur that was torn off and demoisturized, put in a meat blender, soaked in stomach acid, beaten repeatedly with a mallet, and placed into the sky by being fired out of a oiled up cannon. (-63)
Characters
Peter – A boy clothed in vines that doesn’t want to grow up and never showers. He is the main character, but also the worst. He sometimes spouts out horribly dumb insults such as “your old”. (-43)
Wendy – A girl that falls in love with peter pan. She’s ugly. And I hate her. (-23)
Tinker Bell – The fairy of Peterpan’s. She’s ugly, she dies. (+10) But then comes back to life (-74).
Captain Hook – A pirate that kills people (+12).
Other characters – They suck. (-43)
Other Parts
In the beginning, there is a naked boy (-65) dressed as an Indian (-23) running from a dog dressed as a nurse (-23).
They speak in an odd British accent that you can’t understand (which bean has dubbed tree language). (-45)
At one point, two boys (about 5) are hung upside-down, there night clothes fall down fully exposing there buttocks, and almost there genitals if they hadn’t covered them up. (-325)
A boy is kissed by and Indian and his face turns an odd shade of purple. (-31)
Two boys say LOOK AT THIS ROCK, and proceed to hit it. Why would you hit a rock? Well, it turned out to be a giant 27 foot long dormant crocodile. What a coincidence. (-45)
Peter and Wendy kiss. (-42)
The beginning is completely disjointed and talks about something called a kiss on these girls bottom right lip, and then Wendy says she wants to give Peter a kiss and hands him a thimble. (-82)
Out of Movie Occurrences
There was a Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles ad. (+100)
I played Sword of Mana during the commercials (+25)
Bean had his feet up on this guy’s daughters chair, and he proceeded to whip his half eaten pretzel at bean, asked him if he “fucking minded”, and hit his feet off the daughters chair with Extreme force. (+500)
Overall
On a scale of 0 to 100, It gets…
*drumroll*
-669
----------------…--------------.
With out of Movie Occurrences it gets..
*drumroll*
-44
Well, there you have it, it sucks.
Comment