Let's face it FFR meatheads: raising kids in this day and age is a hectic business. When questions like 'Where do babies come from?' and 'What the fuck have you done this time?' come up, your kid doesn't know what the hell is going on. So to help you through these difficult times, I've written a short guide.
1. Switch religions each month, but don't tell your kid which one you're currently following. If he does something which your religion forbids, break his legs and make him sleep in the basement for the next week. When you run out of religions, make up new ones that specifically forbid being a faliure (note: he is a faliure).
2. Tell him he isn't edgy enough. Buy him a guitar and ask him to play some jungle bop. Don't explain what jungle bop is, but get extremely angry if he cant do it. Like, bees in his cereal angry.
3. Bake him a cake. When he cuts it, he should discover that it's made of melted plastic and is hollow on the inside. "Just like my heart," you'll tell him.
4. If he can't sleep after watching a scary film, unload a round of lead into the television and tell him that it's coming out of his allowance. If he points out he doesn't receive an allowance, point out you don't have a son and tell him to get out.
5. Demand that he eat a whole watermellon in one mouthful. On the way to the hospital, keep telling him, "I can't believe we're missing your grandmother's funeral for this."
Follow these guidelines and you'll be fine.
1. Switch religions each month, but don't tell your kid which one you're currently following. If he does something which your religion forbids, break his legs and make him sleep in the basement for the next week. When you run out of religions, make up new ones that specifically forbid being a faliure (note: he is a faliure).
2. Tell him he isn't edgy enough. Buy him a guitar and ask him to play some jungle bop. Don't explain what jungle bop is, but get extremely angry if he cant do it. Like, bees in his cereal angry.
3. Bake him a cake. When he cuts it, he should discover that it's made of melted plastic and is hollow on the inside. "Just like my heart," you'll tell him.
4. If he can't sleep after watching a scary film, unload a round of lead into the television and tell him that it's coming out of his allowance. If he points out he doesn't receive an allowance, point out you don't have a son and tell him to get out.
5. Demand that he eat a whole watermellon in one mouthful. On the way to the hospital, keep telling him, "I can't believe we're missing your grandmother's funeral for this."
Follow these guidelines and you'll be fine.
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