life story thread

[DotKritic]

Re: life story thread

Summer solstice baby. Florida native. Been living in Texas since 1995 (when I was 7). Went into the US Army at 26 years old (one of the older recruits in my Company). Left after my initial contract of 3 years, 21 weeks. Almost went back in recently. I was only offered 11X or 13B. I declined. I currently work for Amazon. Going to University for Art History, Health, or Communications starting Fall 2020.

[psychoangel691]

Re: life story thread

I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.

My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there.
There's a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15.

It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tom boy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people.

So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once.

I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy.

He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. Ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. Didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. Got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life.


Last photo of my uncle

[MikeShinoda12345]

Re: life story thread

Wow~

Impressed by how strong so many people are here. I've had a way way way easier life than most of the people posting and I'm not entirely sure what to say. But hopefully posting on here and having a semi-anonymous community to talk to brings some kind of healing, and a space to process. Hope you all continue to find happiness and grow and enjoy the better lives you all deserve.

[Funnygurl555]

Re: life story thread

grats!!!

thanks

heck yeah the threads coming back to life. thanks for sharing psychoangel and dotkritic!

[bmah]

Re: life story thread

heck yeah the threads coming back to life. thanks for sharing psychoangel and dotkritic!

Did you read psychoangel’s story? It honestly sounds like you didn’t read it looking at the way you responded. I personally would have expressed some sympathy at the very least.

[psychoangel691]

Re: life story thread

Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.

Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped.

It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another.

(so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit...

Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of.
So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease.

Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t.

Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts.

Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way.

[choof]

Re: life story thread

Did you read psychoangel’s story? It honestly sounds like you didn’t read it looking at the way you responded. I personally would have expressed some sympathy at the very least.

i think it was more an innocuous "thanks for the bump" than a conscious effort to shit all over her, bub

[V-Ormix]

Re: life story thread

one time in summer camp this girl was scratching my ass and she wanted me to scratch hers too but I was like ehhh naw

edit: if only i could go back in time, id of been more considerate (^:

[rayword45]

Re: life story thread

Just wanna say I’ve read all of these and y’all are way braver than I am

one time in summer camp this girl was scratching my ass and she wanted me to scratch hers too but I was like ehhh naw

edit: if only i could go back in time, id of been more considerate (^:

You fucking monster

[Funnygurl555]

Re: life story thread

Did you read psychoangel’s story? It honestly sounds like you didn’t read it looking at the way you responded. I personally would have expressed some sympathy at the very least.

i did. choof hit it on the head; i'm just glad that people are still sharing

[psychoangel691]

Re: life story thread

I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.

My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there.
There are a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15.

It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tomboy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people.

So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that Xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once.

I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy.

He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex-cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. I ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. It didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. I got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life.


Last photo of my uncle

Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.

Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped.

It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another.

(so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit...

Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of.
So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease.

Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t.

Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts.

Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way.

Fuck it, been a few hours lets see how much more I can get out of myself here. Alright so left off in 2007, specifically Feb when I had to have surgery, no medical insurance etc etc.

So my then ex was living with me in my dad’s apartment as I mentioned, he wasn’t necessarily the worst guy but he was fucking around with the stripper chick that lived next door and could never hold a fucking job so whatever. I eventually said get out, it was extremely hard for me because I was incredibly attached to his son and his family. We were supposed to get married, had been together for 2yrs by this point. It was tough to let go, but I couldn’t keep going the way things were going. So this all probably sounds weird ‘cause he was already an ex but still staying with me, so I’d also sort of started seeing a friend of mine. It wasn’t anything serious until my ex left, then he moved in with me and we were supposed to keep the apartment together. But alas, another dude that for some reason couldn’t hold a job. He was even offered work by my mom’s then-boyfriend doing demolition and it paid well. I remember he’d agreed to it then was like “I’m not going” I didn’t want to leave the guy hanging so I went and I did the work. I wasn’t that far out of surgery either so that kind of pisses me off. Anyway, I couldn’t really afford to keep the apartment so we moved into his old room at his dad’s house. This only lasted a few months before he decided to start going out and cheating on me. So off to my mother’s place I went again for a while.

So I was working, just trying to get my life together when all of a sudden I got a random tongue swell. I’d assumed I somehow developed some sort of food allergy. I was also having a lot of issues with major dizzy spells and generally feeling unwell. So started the fun of going through doctor after doctor, hospital after hospital and specialist after specialist. Now at this point, I did have some insurance, not great insurance but at least something. I also at some point discovered that there was a massive leak in a car I was financing from this shitty bad credit car dealerships. So it was mold-infested in the headliner and I never knew it, probably what was making me sick. But of course no one would help me and I couldn’t get any legal action taken against the dealer. Finally, I met with an allergist that after testing me for like every food allergy ever had a lightbulb moment and tested me for hereditary angioedema. The test came back positive for this shitty ass condition with no cure and at the time basically no treatment options. So here I was with this diagnosis and mold toxicity issues, I couldn’t work which pissed my mom off of course. She couldn’t possibly understand how fucked up I was at the time apparently. Because of the tongue swelling, I basically stopped eating all together aside from like a single piece of chicken in a day and some mashed potatoes. I was terrified something would trigger another swelling attack. So I avoided everything. Then all the medical bills came in, well, thanks to my new diagnosis the insurance company claimed pre-existing condition and denied all my claims. So yay for more medical debts \o/

Since I was confined to my room I spent a lot of time online, where I eventually found what would be my next wonderful relationship. I don’t remember exactly what we met on now because there were a few social media things in 2008, I’m actually leaving out another boyfriend from before the diagnosis that cheated and lied to me, but that’s the majority of people I’ve dated anyway. So, I finally agree to start hanging out with him, you know just friends for starters but I explained to him I wasn’t well. He was fine with it. We started hanging out a lot then eventually dating. My mom lost her shit and told me to get out yet again because I wasn’t being exactly what she wanted me to be. She couldn’t understand the horrible anxiety attacks I’d started having by this point too. So I ended up moving into my bf’s parent’s place with him. Things were going sort of okay, there were definitely a lot of great moments, but as it turned out he was a drug addict and was sneaking shit behind my back. I’d notice odd behavior here and there and eventually, I found out. I still stuck around, thought I could be a rock to help him move on from it cause he expressed wanting to. I tried to get working again but it didn’t last long because I still wasn’t feeling great and was having anxiety attacks at work. So he went to work in my place basically but one night sort of started to break it off from me before work? It was weird. But I didn’t want to be alone, no one was home and I was freaking out so I asked one of his friends to come to hang out in the shed with me. His shed was set up as a place to jam and had like a poker table and stuff. Figured this was a neutral okay spot to chill. Well, apparently he assumed I was hitting on him inviting him over and put me in an awkward spot. It didn’t get too far other than me giving him like a sad handjob to try to placate things for the time being because I really didn’t know what could happen, plus after being raped and all in the past I mean, idk. It was a bad situation. So then apparently he feels guilty and tells my bf about it before I could, which I’d had every intention of doing so but didn’t want to do it while he was at work. This asshole shows up at his job with his other friends to tell him. So this mixed with his drug abuse fueled a lot of fucked-up rage and stuff towards me. He was also paranoid and accused me of fucking his friend even though we’d both said that wasn’t the case, whatever. Eventually one night it boiled over and he put me into a wall waking his mother who kicked me out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go.


As I keep writing I realize more and more how much I leave out but at the same time I'd probably have to write a novel to actually put all this shit out there. So hopefully this is at least kind of giving the gist of it and I'm open to whatever questions people have too about anything that's off. It's hard for me to just sit down and write it all out this way.

[psychoangel691]

Re: life story thread

medical debt is so nasty, I'm still paying for a panic attack/suicide attempt in april
maybe this is presumptuous but I'm glad that you're doing better now too

writing shit up is hard especially when you forget/suppress things, I left out a bunch of shit too but couldn't be assed to rewrite

It's fucking bullshit man, and I can't afford insurance now either which has put me in a shit ass position but I'll get to that eventually.

I've still got to read yours, I kind of like quick read but haven't been able to focus lately and I feel shitty when I can't give something my full attention. That's another problem I've been having since anxiety/depression hit so hard. I find it super hard to read things and process them. I'm also generally way better at like a back and forth one on one convo. Which I'm always open to as well.

I don't know that I can say I'm doing better, actually the last couple years have been pretty bad. I guess better in some ways because I haven't tried to cut or off myself, but negative in a few others. I'm at this point just kind of floating I guess?

[choof]

Re: life story thread

welp I'm hoping your floating towards better times then

[DN_Catastrophic]

Re: life story thread

but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now

I may not be as well known as most of you outside of the old MP and pre FFR Apocalypse, but after reading everything on here this was what stuck out to me the most. I'd consider myself somewhat social, but for some reason whenever I come on here I become a ghost to even just trying to reach out to an old friend on here and just lurks. It's sad when I think about the countless hours and sleepless nights of fun I had with everyone of FFR Old. Maybe I'm just trying to fill a void inside me that I haven't noticed yet? Who knows.. but I think it's crazy how I've been trying to find something on here since 2012 that just seems to never come.

I guess what makes it harder is I haven't been able to play FFR since the end of 2017 as I was diagnosed with an extremely rare Auto-Immune disease (Stage 2 Dermatomyositis) which also affect my muscles and skin. So pretty much it'll be a long time before my fingers can speed through a chart as they could before. Though I may not have been the best, I enjoyed and talked about this site more than anyone would think.

My life may not have had many difficulties until I was randomly hit with this disease, so I"m not sure if I should post anything more lol

P.s. if anyone is interested in my condition or needs to reach out, please do! Also I posted a semi full story in another thread last year so I can link that if anyone is interested / put more updates from that point on here or there ... so lmk!

[psychoangel691]

Re: life story thread

welp I'm hoping your floating towards better times then

Thanks, I appreciate it and I hope things keep going in a good direction for you. If you ever wanna chat hmu on discord.

I am leaving out a LOT of details, a LOT of names, and a LOT of what goes on in my head on a daily basis now because it does involve a ton of FFR members. most of them still active members. but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now and even if I don't care if today's my last day or not, I'm not gonna do harm to myself and I choose to be optimistic as in like "hmmm let's see what's in store for tomorrow".

I'm getting close to this point in my story, I've had a lot go down that involves FFR and members from it that I won't be able to talk about. I personally hold no grudges against anyone, but there were things that definitely fucked me up at times.