life story thread

[Bolth mannn]

Re: life story thread

I love your self commentary^

[SubaruPoptart]

Re: life story thread

Life story as of right now. When I'm in a much better frame of mind I'll do another one of these, but here's what's happening right now. I'm super young still so I may be able to come back to this in a few years and reflect, which I super look forward to being able to do.

Stuff's gotten progressively worse and worse but I'm still managing slightly. I really only have one person to talk about it to and I think getting it out to a lotta other people will do me a bunch of good.

Been hiding some stuff I have for a bit, gonna continue hiding some of it because I'm still not too comfortable but I've mentioned one thing in particular before in the past. Just know that it's slightly affecting me, and also helping me at the same time.


School's stressful, this is nothing new, but especially now. I hate the video-call format. I've never been one for one-on-one talks with anything or anybody, physical or virtual. Only very specific people am I comfortable with talking one-on-one with or those I feel I trust. But all that aside I just... haven't attended online classes because of that. I try to do the work but I never can because of HELLA anxiety which is a result of not doing the things so it's just a feedback loop.

The school's not very clear with their information either, stating at the beginning of the year that GPA and credit won't be applied, yet at the same time around the 6th of may subtly implying that credit IS being applied this year yet GPA still won't be affected, on top of that releasing "progress reports" which are pretty much just report cards online, is never a good time. They stated a few days ago that school ends May 29th which is fantastic, I was startin to feel happy about that but then just yesterday announced something was due on June 1st, so I don't think they can even keep track of what they're stating or they're just blatantly contradicting themselves, or I just missed something completely, because I attend homeroom since I absolutely have to. I get the information from homeroom, go to do the first class of the day, then just blank out and sit there for a bit and then next thing I know the "school" day's done. I go to the computer downstairs and just go on with my day slightly worry-free.

All that aside life's slightly OK, with this virus bullshit blah blah blah changed my way of life blah blah "UnCerTaIN TiMeS" but what's really got me worried is the fact that all three adults in my house are immunocompromised, and having just one get sick could spell disaster for the rest of just everything. Two still go to work as they're considered either emergency or essential and we're all paranoid as hell, and all this paranoia, anxiety, and straight up fear/dread has also contributed to me just not doing anything school-related.

It's a self-dug hole I've gotten myself into as I have zero credit for this trimester after getting fucking jebaited by the school, and now don't know what to do. We either have a month or 2 weeks left of the school year, depends on how the school district's feeling that day I guess, and I have no way of making up work since they ALSO changed the grading system just recently so anything I haven't done I CAN'T do since they can't just switch the grades over. It's all bullshit, it's slightly self-inflicted and it's entirely awful.

All the badness aside, stuff's going SLIGHTLY well. I can't go outside anymore due to stuff I mentioned above so I can't go on walks that would calm me down and clear my head, but I have, as Haku put above, escapism! Video-games are kinda the only solace I have atm, which I guess is still something. Minecraft, Terraria, Idle Games, FFR of course, it's pretty nice for the most part. It's not working as well as I'd hoped it to, but it's definitely helping some.

Emotions are another issue, I don't really feel them sometimes. Sometimes it's just a very dull pressurized sensation in my chest which I can tell for a fact is anxiety, yet I feel completely normal. Otherwise I'm either slightly happy, "angry gamer mode", or just totally neutral. It's only in-between, there's no real distinct things going on.

Having taken a break to collect myself between writing this, I'm rambly as hell. So apologies if stuff doesn't seem to make sense sometimes. I think as fast as I type so you're seeing it exactly how I'm thinking it.

Szamar Madar - Venetian Snares, Undiscovered Colors - Flashbulb, Frame of Mind - Tristam + Braken, and a few other songs have been my tether to reality as of late, and all-a-y'all have been, too. FFR's something for me to focus on that's not all the bad shit in the world and for that I'm grateful. Learning a foreign language, too. I get to talk to so many other people, and I get to learn stuff about a new culture, learn how words came to be and help others who may not be able to, get past a language barrier which makes me feel really good. I've been working on Portuguese as of late and will attempt to make the jump to Italian whenever I'm able to speak Portuguese as well as I speak Spanish.

This year as a whole's gonna be one I try to forget as a whole. The bad stuff, anyway. I'm totally hitting Division 7 sometime this year. Ever since January 1st, it's been one long skillboost, a permanent one at that. I don't see it ending anytime soon, either. Just last night I figured out Bridgeport somewhat, and blackflagged OMW. So good stuff'll stay, everything else can go, though. But yeah. that's about it for now.

TL;DR, the quotes that aren't spoilered in my signature are how life's going right now, but it won't be like that forever. So I have whenever it gets better to look forward to. Apologies if I didn't quite grasp the purpose of this thread, too. I saw a bunch of vents and figured I could try too.

[Funnygurl555]

Re: life story thread

I love your self commentary^

i read it as haiku ad libbing

how old are you Subaru?

[DaBackpack]

Re: life story thread

My life is pretty simple.

I got epilepsy. (oh noes)
I couldn't drive a car anymore. (oh noes)
I took meds for 3 years to get back to normal. (huh)
I'm back to normal without meds. (yus)
I can drive a car now. (yus)

damn this same exact thing happened to me too

beyond the other stuff I posted earlier, my depression absolutely accelerated when I started graduate school, as well as my guilt complex. eventually I started having seizures-- not totally sure why, probably a combination of dad reentering my life, impostor syndrome, qualifying exams, and falling behind with research

the seizures and stress ultimately forced me to leave grad school after 4 years. I never got a degree from it, and I never proposed or started my PhD thesis

I moved home to my family for around a year to correct my health issues and enter the local job market. at least if the epilepsy continued I would only be an hour drive from my sister and my mother.

things have gotten better generally since I got a real job. the quarantine has been fucking me up quite a bit though, the lack of social interaction and being able to go outside and stuff. recently I've been doing 36-hour weekend sleeping sessions, which is obviously bad for a number of reasons. not sure how to fix that

[Funnygurl555]

Re: life story thread

is a degree something you want? i got the impression that you were disillusioned with grad school before

[mi40]

Re: life story thread

born
study
work
invest
work
retire
travel
die

i'm on stage "invest" so i'll see you guys in 25 years

[DotKritic]

Re: life story thread

I currently work for Amazon. Going to University for Art History, Health, or Communications starting Fall 2020.

UPDATE: Still at Amazon (surprisingly). Fall 2020 degree stated above was scrapped after my application was denied. Tried Purdue University Global for Supply Chain Management & Logistics this past May. Scrapping that after the term is up next month. and solely going for my Combination Welder - Certificate of Technology degree from a local community college this fall. I don't really see a future with Amazon if I can't get promoted by next spring (when I plan on wrapping up my welder degree). Welding can bring in some great money.

Rolling over that 401(k) whenever I leave.

[choof]

Re: life story thread

It feels like the FFR community is much more open about very personal life details than any other online community I've looked at it or been in. I haven't read the whole thread yet but it's all been very interesting so far. And it also makes me want to share my own life story.

good point I deleted all of my long posts itt because of it

[iironiic]

Re: life story thread

Long time no see I think the last time I was active in the community was when I was in my junior year of undergraduate (about 7 years ago). Here's what happened to me:

- Completed my bachelors degree in mathematics while I was abroad at Budapest, Hungary.
- Enrolled in Ph.D. mathematics program but decided to quit it because I wasn't ready to go into a research career due to personal issues
- Moved to Orange County, California for a temporary teaching position in mathematics. Met a roommate who introduced me to data science.
- Moved back home to NYC to complete a data science bootcamp and to work as a data engineer in finance
- Enrolled in my second Masters program to update my quantitative and gain technical skills for the industry.
- Moved to DC (where I'm currently based) to continue my data science career in consulting with government clients

Here and there, I have done a handful of freelancing projects in research and data science, built my personal website, dated a handful of women and found myself in a relationship, spent time and go on vacation with my friends and family (most recently New Orleans with friends before pandemic lockdown), and played League from time to time. Now I'm fitting FFR back in my busy schedule to see how rusty I am and to reconnect with some old friends. I probably won't be as serious as I was before, but I'll play the game to mentally destress via bashing my fingers against the keyboard.

[Funnygurl555]

Re: life story thread

eh why not

since my last post, i became a citizen 8). i saw my brother at the ceremony and was mentally gone for a bit, but i was in treatment so i was able to deal. i tried rekindling a relationship with my parents but that never truly worked out. in october i came out to them, which was as bad as it could've been. one of my friends from treatment tried to get me back into comedy, and i did my first set since getting sober on my mom. it went well, but it was kinda dark. after that, i started getting more serious about comedy and started hitting up local comedy clubs in the twin cities. i started going to therapy pretty regularly because i still wasn't okay after my life legit blowing up. my dad got so depressed after i came out that he yeeted off to somalia, where he still is.

i finished treatment in december, and that meant that treatment wasn't paying for my housing anymore. i thought i'd be okay, since i had a few part-time gigs, but i didn't count on the holidays being a hard time to make money. i spent that month not knowing if i was gonna be able to make my sober house's rent in jan and mentally prepping myself to be homeless. one of my last-ditch efforts was getting a job at target, which is where i still work, but i didn't start until late january anyways.

once it was pretty obvious i wasn't gonna get enough money i applied for emergency assistance through the government, and on new years eve i was approved. i was on the streets a week later anyways, because the check didn't go directly to my sober house owner and instead to the actual owner of the house-- it was some bullshit. i spent a night in a shelter and the following morning asked the govt center to talk to my sober house owner and i was let back in. i came down with the flu a couple days later and was in bed for a week. i didn't get to start working again until late jan, which was w a y too late to make a paycheck to pay rent, so once again i was screwed. i asked my sober house owner if she could wait a week. she declined and told me to ask family or friends for money-- i must have money, right? because i went to princeton, so i have "RICH PRINCETON FRIENDS." i gave her a big no and she gave me 30 minutes to pack my shit (even though i still had a couple days until feb lawwdd i still hate this woman). i packed my shit while crying and cursing about my sober house owner to my roommates. they helped me get back into the shelter i went into last time.

i hopped on the bus to get there before it closed, but my phone died and i didn't have directions, which meant i wasn't even gonna make it there in time. i went into a restaurant to charge my phone and asked my sponsor if she could drive me there. and she responded by letting me sleep on her couch until i got on my feet again. she fucking saved me.

three weeks later i found the place i'm currently at (not a sober house, BLESS ugh). i worked two jobs-- one at target and one as a tutor-- and began saving up so that i'd never have to go through that again. when the pandemic hit i couldn't tutor anymore so i just work at target, which has been pretty nice honestly. i had my gripes with that tutoring gig, though it was good money not gonna lie.

my mom got in contact with me again to tell me that my sister was an alcoholic. she wanted my help because i fixed my own shit. my sister didn't know that i knew about her substance abuse issues though, so i was funneling advice through my mom. turned out that her husband was both physically and emotionally abusive, so i started telling my mom to get her out, but she refused because there were kids involved (same kids who see their dad beating their mom but alright). couple weeks later my sister was in the hospital because her husband attempted to kill her. he was in jail awaiting trial, but they dropped the charges on him because they have a family. anyways i was so freaking mad about this i refused to help my family through shit anymore. last i heard she still drank and was going in and out of treatments. whatever.

since then life's actually been like... stable. for the first time in YEARS there hasn't been some bullshit to go through and it's like SO NICE oh my god. like i'm a normal person. i mean there was a pandemic and the protests here recently, but that's the world going through stuff and not just me, you know? it's been good. i have no idea what to do from here, though.

i'm also still sober which has been awesome for me. wouldn't have thought that a year ago, damn. i'm a square

edit: there's like, some wild stories about the friends i've made in recovery but that didn't impact my life as much as it taught me some life lessons

[Dynam0]

Re: life story thread

grats on the sobriety, i'm giving it a shot too

[dAnceguy117]

Re: life story thread

<3

[Dynam0]

Re: life story thread

grats on the sobriety, i'm giving it a shot too

I messed up and relapsed after 18 days, gotta start over. That's probably the longest I've been sober in years though so aye

[Funnygurl555]

Re: life story thread

I messed up and relapsed after 18 days, gotta start over. That's probably the longest I've been sober in years though so aye

the most important part is that you keep getting up so dont be hard on yourself

[rayword45]

Re: life story thread

D.A.R.E. would be a lot more effective if they just livestreamed your life

unironically this continues to define my life before and during coronavirus, and it probably will after, all covid has done for me so far is given me severe cabin fever, rave withdrawals and actual longing for a meaningful relationship over random nihilistic sex and intoxicants for the first time in my life

besides that, i got my degree and commence my singular year of grad school next month, then hopefully I leave the shithole that is MA, go somewhere more poppin, get money and learn how to be a functioning human being instead of hating everyone almost as much as i hate myself