I can't think about you right now. I can't think about you. I'm trying not to and I don't want to, but your face keeps creeping back up into my mind. WHY?! Why do I have to love you so much that it hurts this bad when I think something might be wrong between us? Why do I have to be with someone who might not truly love me back? Why do you have to be so mean all of the time? Why do I always feel like you're not really there? Like you don't really care? I can never win a fight. And I don't really want to either. I just like to test you to see if you really care about me at all. And you always fail those tests. You always wait for me to call or say something and then you proceed to make ME feel bad about it. Tell me, what did I do wrong? Do you hate me? Do you wish I was someone else? Someone else that you USED to be in love with? Or are you still in love with her? Maybe you lied when you said you were over her. You're not over her. PLEASE tell me you're really over her... My heart breaks whenever I think about it. When I think about how you just might be thinking about her instead and how you just might fall for her again.

I have waited a very long time to finally say yes to a guy. Do you know how hard it was for me to take a chance with you? To look beyond my fear that you might be like the rest of them? I tried so hard for you. All I ever wanted was to be the best for you. To make you proud of me. I wish you were proud of me.... I wish I could just make you happy. I never want to hurt you. I never want to be without you. I never want to make you angry, and, yet, I feel like that's all I do. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do I have to be in love with a guy like you? Someone who judges everything I do? Am I that imperfect? You tell me that I'm beautiful, but what about what I have to offer on the INSIDE? Am I beautiful to you inside and out?

I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could call you. I wish I wasn't afraid. I wish you would just call ME. I wish you never drank. I wish your phone call last night had lasted longer than five minutes and that you were sober and could actually hear the pain in my voice. I wish you never fought with your dad. I wish he wasn't so mean. I wish you never left this weekend and caused all of these feelings in me. I wish you knew how I felt without me having to tell you, because then I'd sound self-absorbed and you ALWAYS make things about you. Why do you have to make everything about you? It's breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me. Please call me.

Four hours ago, I wouldn't have picked up the first time you called, but now I would. Please just call me. And before, when I ignored your IM, I'm sorry. But I don't regret doing it. I was so angry with you and hurt. So, I didn't answer when you typed that usual "Hey :)" to me. You knew better than to add on that fucking smile. Like you had had the night of your life without me and without any thoughts of me. So, yes. I ignored your message. It didn't even last ten minutes and you signed off of your IM. Then, you never got back on either. That was at 8pm. It's 11pm now. I haven't heard a THING from you. Not one whisper or phone call. Why can't you just call me and ask if anything is wrong? Or better yet, already KNOW what's wrong and APOLOGIZE FOR IT!!!! WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO GET ME?!!! Because it's NOT!! I am hurt easily! You must know this by now! You must know how sensitive I am to EVERYTHING!! Then you must also know that I am UPSET with you! MORE than upset! My heart is BROKEN!!!!!!!!


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.... But......


I know everything will go back to normal soon. I won't say anything about how I feel and you won't press the issue. You will go back to your cheerful self and I'll go back to faking my happiness around you. Because I can never tell you how I really feel. I don't need to give you a reason to break up with me, even if you say you never would....

I am fucking sick of being such a fat ass. I have now started the ABC diet. Don't know what that is? Google it.